Dragon Bound Publishing
D-B©und Publishing Group
Brett Paufler's Writing Page
Through the years and in my travels, I have been fortunate enough to amass the copyright in the Earth Vortex to a wide variety of literature-like/ish materials. Some folks collect souvenier spoons, others beer cans, I collect original manuscripts complete with reproductive rights. Enjoy..
This website is named after Dragon Bound Publishing (based in the Seven Realms, pseudo corporate offices located in Rigor Pass, Mt D©©M). For those not familiar with the franchise, it is a highly successful fantasy series (some might say farciful in nature) written by Celli the Happy Go Lucky Celaphopod. Minataur Tails (the Second Book in in the D-Bound Series) is by far the best of the lot, so if wondering where to start, that might not be such a bad place. And although there is plenty of introductory materials for that series spread throughout the site, the compete works can all be accessed from
The Dragon Bound Adventuring Series Main Web Page
Minataur Tails by Celli the Happy Go Lucky Celaphopod
It's light. It's funny. I guffaw when I read it. I've read it a few dozens time now (what with translating and all); and the simple fact is, if I start, I finish it -- quickly. It is simply put one of the best books I've ever read. It's exactly what I want in a novel: plot, jokes, and friendly characters with none of that blood and guts stuff -- wholesome family goodness. From beginning to end, it's a delightful ride. And I really don't know what more to tell you. Read the Sample First Chapter in HTML format. It is what it is. Granted, not everyone gets it. But those that do, love it. And as if that wasn't enough, I'm slowly loading the complete Table of Contents online. It's almost a book unto itself. Granted, it's not a book that has all that much to do with Minataur Tails, but if you like the one, you'll love the other. Guaranteed. Or your money back.
Book 2: Minataur Tails (HTML splash page)
Minataur Tails sample first chapter, go here
Minatuar Tails Table of Contents
Minataur Tails is the second book in the D-B©und Adventuring Series. Other materials related to that franchise include:
The D-Bound Quartet by Celli the Happy Go Lucky Celaphopod
This is the adventure that started it all. The true story of Ruby's perilous (well, it could have been perilous) journey up the slopes of Mt D©©M in her quest to meet The Dragon. And that, of course, is obviously an over-simplification, but what do you want in a one sentence or less summation. Bottom line, it's a fun, light-hearted read, that is overflowing with fun, happy, friendly, playful characters and just darn silly encounters. I mean, don't get me wrong. Ruby's life was in constant jeopardy... OK. It wasn't. But it could have been. Everybody says so. And who am I do disagree with them. In total The D-Bound Quartet consists of something along the lines of 105,000 words with more guffaws, grins, and giggles than a gaggle of gawking geese. (Oh, it's got puns, too.)
So, if that's not clear, the D-Bound books in order (and their associated splash pages) are:
Book 1: The D-Bound Quartet (HTML splash page)
Book 2: Minataur Tails (HTML splash page)
Book 3: The K'fr Road: To Ve'kahn and Back Again by Celli the Grim and Gruesome Celaphopod
This is the Third Book in the B-Bound series and I'm still sort of translating it. What can I say? It's a lot more grim that the other two. People die... lots of them. All the worse, the true story is true.
Book 4: Crazy George Takes a Holiday
Book 5: Rigor Pass 1866: The Manna Boom Years (which will, no doubt, be made into a movie, play, or other dramatic theatre presentation someday, as convincing Celli to write another book is looking to be most unlikely at this point)
And on that theme:
Crazy George Takes a Holiday by Celli the Happy Go Lucky Celaphopod was never intended to be a book. Celaphopod's are remarkably lazy creatures and after Celli watched a few professors release 'Study Guides' for Minataur Tails, he figured he was in the wrong racket. And boy, wouldn't it be much easier if he only had to write the study guide for his next book rather than cranking out a full length novel. So, that's what he did. Give me enough time, and if there are no other takers, I'll likely turn the document that is Crazy George Takes a Holiday into an interactive website. It's the idea that got me started on this website in the first place.
D-Bound Dictionary is the final Drag©n B©und, D-B©und, Ruby Adventuring Series I've got posted at this point. It's a short (oh, so very short) glossary of characters, terms, and ideas to be found in the Dragon B©und universe provided for your general amusement and edification.
And that's it for the Drag©n B©und universe. Other properties I have the pleasure of being involved with in some way, shape, or form (mostly by owning the copyright) include:
G'narsh by Kevin Stillwater (this link takes you to the first few chapters online, not a bad introduction)
Perhaps the true sequel to Minataur Tails. G'narsh has a lot of the same sort of silliness as to be found in the D-Bound Series and many of the 'characters' seem to have 'crossed over'. Personally, I'm guessing Kevin was heavily influenced by Celli's work in his younger days and seeing as how he exists in a vortex that is temporally advanced from our own on the timeline (or advanced from mine, anyway), this is entirely possible. Anywway, at just shy of 200,000 words, this one is a trilogy in itself. Not much uploaded on this one at the moment. In time, I'll expect to have an interactive summary of sorts uploaded. But not yet.
G'narsh: The Troll, The Myth, The Legend (complete download page, everything is here)
The Suki Kamasutri: Queen of the Galactic Frontier was written by Eddie Takosori... or so he claims. Those in the know, will recognize The Suki Kamasutri: Queen of the Galactic Frontier as one of the hallmark Ethers from the late 23rd Century. Who would have thought shopping for a dress could be 'so very much the fun,' as the Suki I think she might say. And say she will, she talks a great deal in this manuscript, almost as much as the Mister, her leading man. Some folks like to have word counts when making a purchasing decision, so you'll be happy to note The Suki Kamasutri: Queen of the Galactic Frontier clocks in at 108,000 well crafter words for the first two seasons. That's sixteen episodes in all with a fully comprehensive story arc. And the manuscript of the first episode is available for your reading pleasure per the link above. Be the first publisher to request this gem in your quadrant of the Multi-Verse today!
The above link is a good place to start, but if all you want is the download of the book, complete and unedited, these links will work just fine:
The Suki Kamasutri: Queen of the Galactic Frontier - doc format
The Suki Kamasutri: Queen of the Galactic Frontier - pdf format
It turns out that there is another version of Suki Kamasutri out there. I believe this one precedes the other. Looks more like a pilot or first episode -- perhaps the first, low budget pre-season. Definitely different enough from the other to post. And if you're looking for more Suki Kamasutri, this may be all there is, so enjoy it for what it is.
Suki Kamasutri: All She Do Is Talk-Talk - doc format
Suki Kamasutri: All She Do Is Talk-Talk - pdf format
And here's a short story sequel to Suki Kamasutri that I wrote, since, you know, Eddie no longer can.
Suki Kamasutri in The Boom Boom Girl - doc format
Suki Kamasutri in The Boom Boom Girl - pdf format
Note: Eddie Takosori passed away on March 18th, 2014. So, ALL of Eddie's works may now be found at Takosori. Yes, ALL. Everything he wrote is posted online... or at least, will be, as soon as I get around to it. As of this writing, I'm about halfway through the posting, final editing process.
The Sick: Drugs, Sex, and Celaphopods by Eddie Takosori
After the lawsuits, lawyer's fees, and endless battles with the IRS, starting a religion isn't as lucrative as you'd think. If you really want fame and fortune, what you need to do is write science fiction.
The Sick: Drugs, Sex, and Celaphopods chronicles the events of the Sixth religion and its eventual transformation into Yr'goth's Chosen of which Eddie claims to be a founding member. Eddie claims the story is true. No one else does. Isn't that always the way with your alien brain sucking squid loving cults? The manuscript clocks in at 150,000 well crafted words, is pleasantly surreal, and is highly unlikely to convince you that aliens have taken over the world... which is just what they want. So, see. Everyone's happy. Especially the squids.
The Sick: Drugs, Sex, and Celaphopods by Eddie Takosori - Book Cover Artwork
The Sick: Drugs, Sex, and Celaphopods by Eddie Takosori - complete works complete book/series posted online including movie script.
three layers of TRANSPARENCY reflecting on nothing by Kevin Stillwater
Artsy! In a nutshell, this is artsy crap. It's a solid read, loads of fun, and perhaps will change the way you interact with the printed word. Of course, it stops on a dime and there's not much point in describing the plot. So, what is the plot? I guess that could be summed up as a writer has fun, while readers enjoy the ride. Anyway, if you're looking for cutting edge, new wave, the next sensation in science fiction literature (and I do mean literature, as in high concept art), you just might want to give this one a gander. It's got something in the neighbourhood of 100,000 words, but seeing as how they're chopped up into 500-1000 word blocks, a more accurate count is just going to have to wait. Anyhow, a few of those section blocks are available for your reading pleasure and are only a mere mouse click away.
Embracing the Smile That Is This Moment by Ian Black and I am Blue is a multi-volume irreverent look at Pure Land Zen Buddhism. Though, pretty much every Zen Master ever has been a bit irreverent, so maybe the qualification is a bit unneeded. Anyhow, I've got enough of this up and loaded, so that any interested parties should be able to determine if its something they might wish to purchase (or look at the originals in greater depth) Please take a perusal at these SAMPLE ENTRIES & PROMOTIONAL MATERIALS and let me know what you think. Or, then again, perhaps you'd just like to take a look at the complete manuscripts:
Embracing the Smile That Is This Moment - doc file
Embracing the Smile That Is This Moment - pdf version
Portrait of an Imaginary Friend by Sal E Mander
An interesting look into the life of one who spends most of their time in the land of the Magic Nation. At 30,000 words, it's short but sweet. Probably not a career starter if one were to be honest, but a project dear to both Sal's and my own heart. First few sections are posted (along with a query letter I made a long time ago), which should be enough to get a feel for the potential of the work.
Zip-Zero by Kevin Stillwater
I am currently translating Kevin Stillwater's Zip-Zero Saga. At a quarter-million clicks, it's going to take me a while. But no worries. I find Kevin's legacy captivating. Zip-Zero tells of Kevin's life (in his future time line world) as he seeks to bebug (and/or perfect) his computer created environment. And since that can be a bit vague, misleading, and/or unclear, perhaps I should mention that this voluminous work, also, goes by the names Proxies Have Ruined Me For Other Women, My Life as a Tree, A Hive Retrospective, If/Then, Kevin's World, The Rants of Kevin Stillwater, Hive Mine, and Home Town: The Insiders Guide. It's a mash-up to be sure. But what do you expect? Kevin's got the attention span of a flea. Anyhow, if you're looking for the long awaited follow up sequel to A Thousand And One Nights? Well, Kevin's Opus, might finally do the trick. All said, I still don't know the best wasy to sell this compillaton -- if that's even the right word for it. I mean, it's a long book, not so much because Kevin is wordy (as I sometimes get), but because it packs the ideas from ten and twenty novels into the space of one or two. It really is dense. And not like in hard to read dense, but more like graffiti for the mind -- fast, witty, and with plenty more where that came from. Its on the short list for excepts, but as you see, I've got quite the short list going at this point, so who knows when I'll get to that.
The Twelfth Century by Insidious the Dark Necromancer (full story online in pdf, doc, or html)
Insidious had me cornered at party, heard I bought manuscripts, (likely) sensed that I desired leave said party with my skin intact (while he on the other hand seemed quite ambivalent on the subject... that is, of me leaving said party with my skin intact), so we eventually came to an agreement in which the key terms were that I would pay him a hefty advance for the property he was calling The Twelfth Century and he would allow me to leave said party with my skin intact. So, happy ending all around (in that, I do indeed, still have my skin intact).
I expect to have this one posted before too terribly long... which only a few months later, I do. Wow! That was fast. And sort of surprising. I mean, I don't know about you, but most of my dealings with Dark Necromancers have sort of gone awry. But the deal (the book, skin, and otherwise) looks like it turned out pretty good, solid writing and all (if I do say so myself, if only slightly prodded to do so by good ole -- or should that be bad ole -- Insidious, himself). Hope you enjoy. Fun little ride if you ask me.
Schlock by Eddie Takosori
A novel which lives up to its namesake. But one never knows. A little spit and polish and anything could happen.
Babel(also by Eddie Takosori) doesn't have much of an ending (and if that's the kiss of death, then this tome is dead). But while it lasts, it one heck of a ride. Perhaps it just needs the right wrapper. So, someday I'm bound to go over and edit it again... or just post it as is as part of the website memorial to the man who was.
The UFO Attractors Handbook: Practical Advice for an Impractical Hobby by Eddie Takosori
Apparently Eddie believes the CIDC owes him a pension for time served. While for its part, the CIDC refuses to acknowledge its own existence. Petty bickering aside (along with what some might consider to be a total disregard for the truth), Eddie spills the beans and lays down the insider tricks that he learned while working at the premier (and/or only) government agency dedicated to... whatever the CIDC's acronyms stand for, I guess.
Divining the Broken Heart also by Eddie Takosori (he's a prolific one, that Eddie).
This book explains Eddie's Tarot Card / Runic Divination system in fairly humorous and readable terms. It needs to be chopped down and focused a bit. But that means the core is there. If he was just planning on writing a pamphlet rather than some runic opus, this sucker would be complete.
My Hawaii by Cliff Hanger
A delightful cross between Mayberry, Gilligan's Island, and South Pacific. Which means, it has solid characters and a delightful locale. Only thing is, it's missing a story to back it all up. But then, that's what fans are for. Or at least, explains why I would be willing to release a property (wholesale and free) to the Internet. Not much value to a broken story, if you ask me. And if some enterprising fans take the effort to fix the mythos up, well, I believe they should share in the profits (details to follow, whenever I get that worked out). Anyhow (and in the meantime), as I find the time, I am loading this one to the Net (find the Complete Index of My Hawaii Content Here).
The Luck of the Draw by yours truly Brett Paufler
Want to know why some folks are luckier than others? This story explains it all.
Time Travel... and other matters as may properly come before the board by Brett Paufler (TimeTravel.doc, TimeTravel.pdf)
More of a theoretical discussion pertaining to the perils and pitfalls of time travel than a story, if you know what I mean. Best Hint: if you ever get your hands on a time machine, first thing, send it back to yourself. It will make getting one in the first place that much easier and more likely.
A Turkey of a Story... or rather I mean, A Turkey Story also by me, Brett Paufler (TurkeyStory.doc, TurkeyStory.pdf)
Retro science fiction fit for the holidays that takes place after the unions have taken over... so just try and get something fixed on a holiday.
Shorts and the Rest: In (more or less) Alphabetical Order
Ace in the Hole (doc)
Also known as:
By the Numbers (pdf)
It's just a coincidence that I placed this story at the top of this list (probably have to redo this list soon enough anyhow). I wrote this in the spring of 2015, posted it in the fall. I have recently become aware that the Kevin Stillwater has died, some fifty years from now, in the future (there will be a major post elsewhere on this, but I haven't gotten there yet). I mention this only because there may be some major overlap between his writing style and my own. He stole from me, so I have no compunctions about returning the favor. Or maybe that should be, I inspired him, so he inspires me. And with that said, perhaps this work would be best if viewed in light of that last: as an introduction to the hardcore world of derivative food porn... or something like that. Whatever, having just reread it, I enjoyed it. Made into a movie, it probably will not be. But a pleasant diversion in time, most certainly it is. Please enjoy responsibly.
Two Out of Three [Ain't Bad] (pdf version)
This here is from Kevin Stillwater. One of these days, I'm going to have to make splash pages for each of the major contributors. In the meantime, this vignette (or rant, if you will) relates to the [Dream Culture] of the mid twenty first century. Oh, and if you play your cards right, a lot of folks who deserve it, die... by [Proxy], that is.
Two Out of Three [Ain't Bad] (doc version)
Art Museum by Brett Paufler (600 odd words, pdf version) perhaps more of a commentary than a story... or story as commentary... or better yet, story as art -- nah, too unlikely... or exactly where the medium is headed and already gone...
Astral by Eddie Takosori, he does like his tales of magic and mayhem, 800 words
Bogger by Brett Paufler, someone (not saying who) must have been reading Lord of the Rings and decided to give Gollum a side story (not that there is any mention of same in said story, I am a master of the cut and paste) 900 odd words
Bog Wight by Celli (or in pdf format)
Let's just say that when a guy owes you a book length manuscript and you get a few crumpled pieces of paper in the post marked rejected by most of the leading houses, you sort of stop expecting to ever see that full length manuscript, like ever. Still, this story is compelling in an odd sort of way. Not that I could begin to tell you what the game, fight, ritual was, is, and ever shall be about. But whatever. Do you want a history lesson or to be diverted from the drudgery that is your existence for a few confusing moments?
Buddy the Bee: One Wild Season at the Lamplight Café by Brett Paufler, 2,300 words or so, explaining why it is extremely unlikely that I will ever write this particular story, while (perhaps not too ironically) managing to tell the story... or, you know, most of it in a chopped down version.
Cards by Brett Paufler (2700 words, pdf version) it might be fun to give Eddie Takosori credit for this and push it off as part of Tug's backstory (that would be Tug -- travelling companion of Suki Kamasutri, she's the Queen of the Galactic Frontier, I'll have you know). Might still. But in the end, I wrote it. And then, of course, after rereading, I realize it has nothing to do with either Tug or Suki, unless of course, one assumes the Bugs in question are actually Klick'its.
Carmel Pops: Unicorn Gone Fishing (doc version)
Don't ask me. I don't write them. Nor do I come up with the titles. As you may (or may not) know, Fritz (as in Fritz Heinmillerstein, the gentleman who wrote this particular piece) made his fame and fortune off of what can best be called... Bloodsplotation Literature. Or if that's not clear (and pretty much whenever I say that, I also say, and why should it not be clear), the subject matter of this tale, if one were to actually focus on it full on, which Fritz thankfully does not, might be a bit too, um, what? Savage? Animalistic? Down right disgusting? Yeah, probably that last... too murderific for some. And for others, perhaps, exactly what they are looking for. If so, congratulations, you found it. Adult Content Warning, etc. Though, in many ways quite tame. So, whatever. I've said enough.
Carmel Pops: Unicorn Gone Fishing (pdf version)
Carnival: A Good Old Fashioned Horror Story by Brett Paufler (1630 words or so, pdf version) It's about as horrific as I go (abstract, idea driven). And as long as I'm talking about giving credit (and/or pushing responsibility for my works onto another), this one might fit in better with Fritz Heinmillerstein's collected works. I gather he likes this sort of thing. And I suppose, on occasion, so do I.
Cassidy Ann Is On the Case
Classic Children's Literature at it's finest.
Cassidy Ann: The Case of the Re-Deflating Bicycle Tires (pdf)
A little girl's bicycle mysteriously keeps on getting flat tires. I don't think I'm giving much away when I say that pirates are involved... along with a little red pony.
Cassidy Ann: The Case of the Re-Deflating Bicycle Tires (doc)
Air Rescue: A Circular Love Story by Morgana Feldstone (1800 words, pdf version). Ah, how she does love her circular stories, and a romance isn't entirely out of the question either. But don't cross her. Circle marks the square, if you know what I mean. Only Morgana isn't some game show host; and when she plays, she plays for keeps,
Coyote's Tail by Fritz Heinmillerstien (1800 words, pdf version). It's got blood sucking vampires in it. What more do you need? Well, I guess, they need food. So, it's a culinary tale of sorts that covers certain (um, how shall we say?) logistical concerns.
Daphne & Derek (pdf)
Some of this might ring true. But then, the truth is so often riddled with lies. Or in other words, guess who is getting ready to go to their High School Reunion? Yep, that's right, some insane maniac. Might want to have someone checking ID's at the door.
Daphne & Derek (doc)
Nadia's Diary by Nadia. (15,000 odd words) Nadia is one of Celli's friends and a Pixie (not really sure which of those facts is the more relevant). Anyway, herein, Nadia recounts a recent visit with same. So, like, it also can be consider cross-over promotional material for the B-Bound Series.
Dream Vacation by Morgana Feldston and Fritz Heinmillerstein (also known as The Circling Circle of Circling Circles, pdf version). Ever read a story that you hoped would never end? Ever get trapped in a story that you only hoped would end? Well, you're in luck. Depending upon your perspective this is both. A nice farcifal fantasy with a fair maiden imprisoned at it's center, pretty much what all good fiction should be about if you ask either Morgan or Fritz...
Dream Jeannie by Eddie Takosori. And at 10,000 words, Eddie doesn't go on about his wife (Kelly Lee) quite as long as he usually does, which is either good or bad depending upon your view. (Say as he does for instance in The Suki Kamasutri: Queen of the Galactic Frontier. Sure, he says it came from the future, but those in the know, know it's just another one of his homages to his wife.) But whatever, Dream Jeannie is a nice little story full of antique shops, magical lamps, and the things a girl will do so that the boy she loves will pay her some attention and write about her for a change (like Eddie doesn't do enough of that already). Fun. Need I say more?
End of the Means (doc)
So, like, this is where I'd normally write a short blurb about what the story is about, only if truth be told, this story is just a short blurb of what the story is about. So, short and sweet... or hard and rough... or really, however you like it; there's enough ambiguity in here for most any interpretation that you'd like.
End of the Means (pdf)
Espionage Auntie (pdf)
This delightful vignette was submitted by a one Antionio Perez. His first work, as far as I know. And tell me, is there anything better than a fictional character submitting a tale of fictional daring do modelling of their dear sweet fictional aunt? No, I didn't think so.
Espionage Auntie (doc)
Eternally & Forever by Brett Paufler (1800 words, pdf version). You'd think a story with a title like that would be more memorable, but for the moment, I can't recall thing one about it. The title sounds sort of horrific, sort of ominous, so I'm sure the story is as well. And well, it's getting late, and I just don't need to be reading something like that at the moment... And then, I finally read the sucker. And what can I say? If the foregoing wild guess so far off the mark as to be humorous, doesn't prove that this is fiction, I don't know what will. Turns out this is a story of love, remorse, and a kiss stolen in the dark. And if there's anything horrific about it... well, let's just say, it's fiction for me, but perhaps not for everyone else in the time and place of my youth...
Eva Fornightly by Kevin Stillwater (2600 words, pdf version). When a guy from the future (Kevin) hacks your computer, it's only fair to return the favor. This is part of the trove I downloaded from his archives. Looks like a movie/game review, if you ask me.
[FAWN] by Brett Paufler (in the style of Kevin Stillwater, pdf version). I suppose it would be easiest to simply label this as The Making of a Proxy and leave it at that. Written in free form rapid stucatto, I like to think that it neatly summarizes the main plotline of a novel in 21 pages or less..
firmament (doc version)
There are worse things than being alone for the holidays. Yes, I do believe that there are...
firmament (pdf version)
Freddie K by Fritz Heinmillerstien (1250 words). There was blood. There is blood. There will be blood. Now, and evermore. Blood! Blood! Blood! But no gore. I draw the line at gore. And Fritz has his reputation to maintain. A reputation for blood, I'm guessing...
Galactic Knight by Brett Paufler (3000 words). Since it's futuristic and a bit sketchy around the edges, I probably could get away with blaming Stillwater for this one as well. But truth is, this one's mine. Think I came up with the plot while listening to some boring lecture. Ah, so that's why I'm not a rocket scientist.
The Gaul of It All by Celli the Happy Go Lucky Celaphopod (pdf version), who also seems to have a fairly sinister streak; hence his alternate name, Celli the Grim & Slightly Gruesome Celaphopod. This is a story by Celli halfway between the former and the later. Take it as a personal confession, an origination story, or just one more of those tales he kicked out to pay the rent, back in the day before he hit it big.
Ghosts of Childhood Past by Alexander - pdf
As many in my generation, I played Slaughter QuestTM whilst growing up. And like many others, as I grew older and could afford the toys of my youth in ever greater quantities, I took to collecting all the Slaughter QuestTM rulebooks, supplements, dice, miniatures, and accessories that I could lay my hands on. And like many others before me, I turned to flea markets and garage sales to feed my ever growing habit. However, unlike most of the rest (or so, I can only surmise), at some point I took to buying up complete collections from those exiting the hobby, not so much because I needed any more copies of the same old books to complete my collection; but rather, because I wanted their campaign notes. Some of those notes were, of course, little more than scraps of paper crumpled together at the bottom of a box or wedged between the covers of a book. But some of those collections, just as a for instance, had mixed in amongst the graph paper dungeons and hand written notebooks completes stories, typed, in duplicate, carbon copy duplicates, no less. And what is perhaps most amazing (perhaps even harder to believe than the veracity of Alexander's account itself) is that some of these collections, labours of love really, could be had for almost nothing. If I remember correctly, I only paid forty dollars for the lot that included this story. Yeah, forty dollars for two milk crates full of folders, notebooks, and all the other odds and ends that go into the making of a truly stellar Slaughter QuestTM Campaign. A mere forty dollars for two boxes, crammed full of hopes and dreams. And having said all that, I can only hope the only reason I I got them so cheap was because all of Alexander's dreams had already come true...
Ghosts of Childhood Past by Alexander - doc
Lasso: A Love Story Deconstructed by Brett Paufler (6000 words). Truthfully, as much as anything else, I'm just going down my entire back catalog, listing them out, one by one. Some are better than others, this is probably one of the others. But then, there are tons of best sellers I could care less about, so one never knows. I was trying to learn how to write romance (because the market for those things is, like, huge). And so, being the logical sort of guy, I decided to deconstruct one or two of them, this then, being the one.
It's always the Goldest Right Before Dawn (22,000 words, Word Doc version). I won't say who this is by. Let's just say that I got it at auction. Most of the folks there were buying Elvin jewellery, heirloom hair braids, and that sort of thing. Me, I went for the items of lasting value, the old Leprechaun's sales records. Interesting what one can find out about certain (for the present) unnamed Houses. So, although this is some of the finest amateur writing I've come across in a long time, it just might be more valuable to certain individuals, than the general reading public. Just saying. I have my price. And for now, I have the word for word transcription of the sales record. Yes, that sales record...
Goldest - pdf version
He - She - It by Brett Paufler (800 words, pdf version). All that goes bump in the night is not listed in the latest grimoire (or travelogue for those who keep to the inner realms). I've seen a lot. Some of it, I wish I never had. Light hearted raunch, if you know what I mean, nudge-nudge, wink-wink.
Home Improvement Projects That Pay by Brett Paufler (1600 words or so, pdf version). Girlfriend wanted me to patch the roof, paint the walls, and fix the fence. I decided to write a magazine article about it instead. Wondering how I find the time to write? Well, now you know.
Hung The Barbarian (getting the Medusa's head was never so fun) by Celli the Happy Go Lucky Celaphopod (4000 well hung words, pdf format). Right before he sold me the rights to this one, Celli confided that he intended this to be the first short story in a series. I have yet to see another. That was ten years ago. And it been almost as long since Celli took quill in hand to write anything. Anyway, Hung is a Barbarian who is, how shall we say, um, he's hung. And I guess the blood rushes out of his head at times, because he's none too bright.
I Shall Not Kill: Argh Brains! by Brett Paufler (1800 words, pdf version). I like a good zombie flick, story, adventure, video game, and whatnot. Though, at the time I wrote this, I was a bit of a pacifist. So, it's probably not the brain sucking tale you're expecting. Still, it's one of my favorites.
[King: Kevin] (doc)
[King: Kevin] (pdf)
By Kevin Stillwater, throwback high school, sexual innuendo filled dreaming at its frantic, [Tag: Filled] finest.
The Klick'it Man Wars by Eddie Takosori (1000 words, pdf version).
My notes on the file read "Klklt Man Wars - Voices Story - 968 - 3-13-09 - 1 2 cute if pointless". That pretty much says it all: 'cute if pointless'. A delightful read that will leave you wondering why you wasted your time. So, I guess what I'm saying is, it's pretty much like every other bit of light fiction out there: cute, but pointless. Or if you want more to go on than that, apparently, time was when the alien menace known as the Klk'lts decided to get some of that old time religion.
Luna - A Writer's Wet Dream by Brett Paufler (1600 words or so, pdf version). See, I had this dream. And in said dream I was a successful author. And there was this bookcase full of my books, color coded by series, and everything. So, of course, I had to write about it. Luna being the name of the lead character in my most successful series. And I suppose if I could have remembered more about her, I would have written up the series instead of this. Unrelated to the story, but perhaps equally odd is that I dream in text every once in a while. Soon, I'll probably start dreaming in code. I've woken up and watched letters dance around in my fovea. I am extremely near sighted. I've literally watched letters and numbers cruise through the capillaries in my eye. When they say something gets under you skin and into your blood, this is what they are talking about.
Megan:[the empty call] by Kevin Stillwater (2000 words, pdf version). The old man gets his freak on. Seriously, I like his work, though. Currently, I'm spending a fair bit of my free time editing his Zip-Zero saga. At a quarter of millions lines of text and countless code, that one will keep me busy for a while. And I'm guessing this was a study for that.
The Neighbourhood Watch by Celli the Happy Go Lucky Celaphopod (7500 words as previously published in the Rigor Pass Gazette - pdf version). Seems there was a robbery in Celli's neighbourhood; and so, they had one of those neighbourhood watch meeting things. I'm guessing Celli didn't like what he heard, so he decided to make fun of the entire episode.
No! (or No Buggers! if you need longer titles than that - pdf version) by Kevin Stillwater (2000 words). Kevin has a bit of a fetish for, well, for most everything under the sun, but stinging insects especially. If confronted (and by confronted, I mean, if he has the chance to corner you at a party), he'll be more than happy to tell you how he's really a sentient tree on a distant planet, but on the journey there his body was picked clean (except for the brain, of course) by a hive of ravenous space insects. So, although he fails to mention that tree thing in this story, the ravenous insects figure prominently.
Nothing Left to Kill, But... by Morgana Feldstone (1200 words, pdf version). From the title, I'm guessing she wrote this one for her late husband (or soon to be late husband, one can never tell with her) Fritz Heinmillerstien (stien? stein? truthfully, I don't know.) Anyhow, don't know if you know it or not (but I can't see how you wouldn't), Morgana fancies herself a witch (fancies is probably the wrong word, as she is a witch); and so, this is likely a fond farewell, a bon voyage, an asta la vista, sianara baby, and see you in the funny pages to her late husband. In other words, like most of her work, it's a curse, cast in text form. Capiche? Of course, then I actually read the stupid thing and realize the previous introduction has nothing (absolutely nothing) to do with the story at hand. So, who knows why she wrote it? I mean, upon reading, which I actually have just done, the story obviously has nothing to do with Fritz, so perhaps she was simply in a foul mood? Who knows? Or maybe she took a vacation, and well, you know, thought the place could use a few changes...
Nothing But Rejection Letters by Fritz Heinmillerstein (1100 words, pdf version). Ah, now wouldn't it be great if this little ditty was Fritz's response to Morgana -- turn about is fair play and all that? But it's not. He took his fall from fame pretty hard as I hear it. And this must have been in response to one of the later rejection letters he received. Or then, maybe he just thought it would make a good story. You never know with Fritz.
One Picture A Thousand Words by Brett Paufler (ironically, not a thousand, but only 500 words, pdf version). So, rather than write a story, I decided to paint a picture of the story. It's the sort of artsy crap I'm keen on doing every once in a while.
Playing with Fire (aka Pele's Tears) by Eddie Takosori (20,000 words). This would make a great Twilight Zone, Outer Limits, or (what's the other one called?) episode. I met Eddie while I was living in Hawaii. And as mainlander transplants, our view of things was decidedly unlocal (Haolie like, in fact). This would be Eddie's take on the resurgence in popularity of the Hawaiian Gods of old. And smile when you say that... or at least, capitalize it, if you know what I mean. Them gods of old be a tad touchy(?), vengeful(?), ah, psychotic, that's the word I'm looking for. They be a tad psychotic. And if you've ever been lucky enough to read any of Eddie's work, then you already know, he's a tad psychotic, as well.
SETH by Angie D_____ (5500 words). I used to buy case lots of old Role Playing Games (D&D, Traveller, Gamma World, and so on). One of the perks of buying a collection was that they invariably came with the original owner's campaign notes. (Good reading, that.) Well, this I pulled from the diary of one Angie D. Not sure about the legality of selling it, posting it online, or whatnot. But as I'm pretty confident I've got the only remaining copy, maybe (someday), I'll claim it as my own and do what I like with it... or forge her signature on the release documents, which (now that I think about it) is a much better idea. So, with that said, I think this one is good to go.
Shameless by Brett Paufler (2500 words, pdf version). There was a time when I thought I was going to write Westerns. No, I kid you not. Which just goes to show that one does not control one's Muse (but rather, it is quite the opposite). Anyhow, this may well be the only Western I ever wrote. I called it Shameless because it was sort of Shameless how I stole the plot, story, and character from a better known Western... or at least, if I remember correctly that was my intent. But seeing as how I can't draw a straight line or tell a straight joke, I managed to shoot wide of the mark; and so, it wound up being no closer to any other Western than any other Western out there (if that makes any sense).
A Simple Dream by Kevin Stillwater (1000 words, pdf version). Nothing Kevin does is simple. They're usually as twisted as [Fluff]. Still, I like the way he weaves a plot and tells a story. And I do believe this one little story summarizes the world he comes from most completely. Understand this and perhaps, you will understand it all.
Singing the Praises by Brett Paufler (4000 words). I would have thought this was a Dog Star story. But it does not appear to be so. Perhaps, a closely related alternate universe in which bad things happen to good people... and even worse to those who deserve it.
Sir Francis:[Drake] by Kevin Stillwater (2000 words, pdf version). Kevin rides the tram and sees an interesting character; this is the story that results. Sir Francis:[Drake], if you ever read about him, you read it here first.
The Sm©rk Open License by Brett Paufler (3000 words, pdf version). I ameager and willing to monetize the world of the Sm©rks. Please send 5c's a word along with a SASE and I will be more than happy to send you the details. Unfortunately, do to the nature of this offering, returns and/or exchanges will not be allowed. Not available in all markets. See your local con-artist for complete details. (Note: for those in the open source movement, by free, we do not mean free beer or free speech, we mean that you are free to avail yourself of this fine offer; but make no mistake, there is nothing else free about it.)
Smoke by Brett Paufler (500 words, pdf version). There was a time when I smoked. Been a long time since I wrote this (and no, I'm not re-reading every last one of these prior to making the post); but near as I can tell, this little ditty is about the pleasures to be had in lighting a long one and smoking them if you've got them. Us writers will write about anything, I suppose: long lost loves... and, yeah, long lost loves. Oh, right; and then, of course, there's the girl...
Sum of the parts (pdf)
Well, this is a delightful little bit of nothingness that tries to peel back a layer of the writing process. Perhaps, I succeeded in that. Perhaps, I did not. Whatever the case, I do believe that I was able to mimic a bit of Celli's delightful style, so in that, I am quite pleased.
Sum of the parts (doc)
Ten to One by Kevin Stillwater (1600 words, pdf version). Along with a bunch of others stuff (surfing, riding motorcycles, hunting dragons), Kevin also (apparently) likes to ride a skateboard. What were the odds? Ten to One, I'm thinking.
The Foolish Being's Pocket Book Guide to Personal Enlightenment by Mr GigglesWorth (2500 words). Upon learning that I write, most persons of my acquaintance react something along the lines of 'If you can write, anyone can write.' Well, Mr GigglesWorth put his money where his mouth is (or at least took pen in hand) and scribed this little gem. It's actually amazingly concise and more helpful than I imagined it would be. In fact, he doesn't ask for money once, which may make this piece unique among all his work.
The Last Word: In Old Crone & Thief Tales by Celli the Happy Go Lucky Celaphopod (3000 words, pdf version). If I was bothering to do submissions, this would be on the short list for the next one to go out. What's to say? It's Celli at his finest, more or less writing the definitive Old Crone / Young Thief tale, so no one else will ever have to bother writing anything like this ever again.
Things are Tough All Over by Celli the Happy Go Lucky Celaphopod (3000 words, pdf version). Celli sits down to write story and the characters go on strike, or something like that. Celli sends me a copy of this manuscript (with slight variations in it) whenever I ask him about the status of the next novel in the D-Bound Adventuring Series. I've seen it so often, you'd think I'd have the stupid thing memorize by now. But quite frankly, if Celli can't be bothered to make up a new story every time I ask how he's coming along with the writing, I don't see why I should bother to reread the old.
Thirteen by Kevin Stillwater (1000 words). Thirteen is an unlucky number... at least, for some.
Three... Walk Into a Bar by Eddie Takosori (1400 words). So, at least I'm not the only one who writes stories that have no market. Anyhow, if you've got a publication that is looking for some Politically Incorrect content, I just might be able to help you with this one. Ya, see. Three, walk into a bar...
Toilet Humor by Brett Paufler (600 words doc version, pdf version). This is one of those classic masterpieces -- short, sweet, and to the point. I use it as my writing sample; which means, if you've read it somewhere else before (and I didn't send it to you), whoever sent it is plagiarizing my work and infringing on my copyright. In some way, if someone is actually doing that, I should be flattered. In another, I should be readying my battalion of lawyers. Anyhow, this is one of the samples I've sent out over the years. And since I'm pretty sure (IMHO) many of those requesting samples were really only trolling for content, if they haven't stolen my content, they've certainly stolen somebody else's. It really would be interesting to know what particular piece of writing is being distributed the most often as a personal writing sample by someone other than the actual author. And if that sample was yours (or perchance mine), wouldn't that be quite the honour -- the sincerest form of flattery being outright theft and plagiarism, but I digress. Of course, the biggest irony will likely be your reaction to the story and wonder why I would want to take credit for it in the first place. But the Muses have spoken. And for whatever reason, I am particularly fond of this little beauty. Go figure.
Trakball: This Has Got to be a First by Kevin Stillwater (700 words, pdf version). Kevin writes about sports in a foreign language (future hype, or something like that, I do believe it is called).
Talking Bull (Trance Is) by Morgana Feldstone (5000 words). Morgana is a bit of a romantic (I think that's what you call someone who writes romances). Anyhow, being a witch, she likes to weave her spells in story form. Makes for good reading, but, like, you'll want to cast a protective ward before proceeding. 'Nuff said. You have been warned.
Third Degree (doc)
Morgana Feldstone (with perhaps some help from Fritz Heinmillerstein) put together this playful little vignette. I think that's what one calls this sort of thing: a vignette. Thoroughly compelling, with more than just a touch of that verbal jousting that has made the writing pair infamous, as calling them an infamous writing team would be, um, let's just say, inaccurate... especially now that they're divorced. Still, this was obviously before that, whatever that means.
Third Degree (pdf)
Twirling Dervish (twisting in circles) by Morgana Feldstone (600, pdf version). If it's a twisty story that loops around back to the beginning and involves more than a little of the hot and heavy, you can bet Morgana is involved. Short and sweet. Some of these stories are better than others. This might just be one of the better ones.
EVE by Kevin Stillwater (3600 words). Kevin (if you believe what he says) claims to have dated a girl named Eve for a while. Though, she is no more, I guess she managed to get under his skin, as she is featured regularly throughout his work. This, I believe, however, is the only time he gives voice to her side of the engagement.
Vampires Anonymous by Morgana Feldstone (pdf version) Going through my folders, organizing the work that I have, I found this little ditty at the bottom of a pile of unfinished manuscripts. I have no idea why it was placed there. Maybe because Morgana never enchanted it... or intended it as part of a larger work. Either way, I think it stands fine as it his. And I think the title conveys about as much information as person would need to decide whether it was something they wished to further peruse.
Very Might: Ace Reported Brett Paufler Getting the Scoop by Brett Paufler (just in case the title didn't give it away: 2100 words, pdf version). Looking for anger? Looking for attitude? Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed, I'm guessing. Still, it flows. And nine times out of ten, that's half the battle. And then, there's that tenth time and the other half. Couldn't tell you which one this is, though. Maybe I should just print this one out and leave it next to my meds so I remember to take them in the morning. As in, this is what happens when you don't...
Vay Cay for the Say Jay's (doc)
A fine story starring Bo, Euro, and three of the nicest coolies you will ever meet. It's about life, love, loss, and redemption... or it could be. Pretend this was a movie poster for a low budget movie, what would we say? Anything! Yes, that's right. Anything! And this story has it all. Much better than low budget movie. This is a low budget story.
Vay Cay for the Say Jay's (pdf)
Victoria I by Eddie Takosori (2200). I guess, I'm not the only one who can wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Not likely to be published anytime soon, but when the ultra-violence comes back into high fashion, this one will be waiting.
V©LT! by Brett Paufler (1000 words, pdf version). If superheroes were reduced to begging for sponsors, interacting with agents, and working out licensing deals with shoddy toy manufacturers (the exception to the rule, I am sure), then this might be the sort of correspondence said superhero might engage in at the beginning of their career. (And really, I'm not into the whole superhero thing, so if the name V©LT! is already taken, I can always rename the title character Fl@sh! or Sp@rk! or the Gr##N L@nt#rn or whatever. Maybe the Am@zing Sp©rk Plug or something. Who knows? And quite frankly, who cares? Outside of the merchandising deals, the name hardly matters...)
Zen and Now by Kevin Stillwater (2000 words). You know how all the good authors (and by good, of course, I mean great authors) release short stories to the 'rags' whenever they're publishing another novel? Well, this is Kevin's short for his G'narsh epic.
Poetry In Motion is a bunch of my own poems -- some good, some bad... just about like everything else on this site. Still, they are mine. And for that reason alone if none other, they have a special place in my heart. And of course, when you get right down to it, one or two of them are pretty darn good, if I do say so myself.
Archived Articles is a slew of articles, reviews, op ed opinion pieces, and other rants I did back in 2008 or so. I don't want to throw them out, never going to do anything with them, so posting them to the web seemed like the right thing to do -- getting to be a bit of a habit, if you ask me.
Brett Paufler's Resume Page: some of these are quite fun. I think the tag line More Than Money about sums up my attitude these days towards work, so if you've got a circus, are looking to crew a UFO, or otherwise are in charge of personnel for some once in a lifetime gig, I'd like to throw my hat into the ring for consideration. And on this page you will find more than enough reasons to include my name on the short list... or block any incoming messages from me entirely.
Why I've Rejected Rejection Letters
I'm happy to work with a publisher, agent, whoever, or whatever. I'm just not going to spend any time looking for one. After writing this page, I sent out 20 queries (yes, more than I'd sent out the rest of my life combined) in the hopes of finding an agent for Eddie Takosori's Suki Kamasutri: Queen of the Galactic Frontier (you know, after he'd died as a sort of memorial to his life's work). But after four weeks (at five a week), I'd had enough. And decided that I would be a richer man if I didn't spend any more of my very precious and very limited time on this planet trying to monetize the work I have been lucky enough to be involved in (by either writing, buying, editing, or simply stumbling upon and being gifted as is the case with at least one of them). However, if your talent is making money, I must confess to having a weakness for expensive wines, fine cheeses, and smooth Belgian chocolates; and so, would be more than happy to entertain (review, look over, laugh at, and/or reject out of hand) any and all offers
Broken Stories Unfinished Dreams
I've sort of (totally completely) decided to post it all to the web (every last word I own or have ever written... eventually, anyway). And that would include my trash file. It's actually sort of surprising how much good stuff is in my trash folder: first chapters that totally rock (in my ever so freakin humble opinion), but that are only first chapters, so they'll never sell; poems; a long list (839 entries, I believe) listing out all the stories I won't write (back when I was actually listing out such things); media review projects (what I consumed in a week back in '09); Crazy George's Bridge bidding system; chess strategies; and slew upon slew of first chapters; lots of first chapters. Anyhow, some are all the way done (completely complete), some are pure garbage, others are gems, and you would be surprised how hard it is for me to tell the two apart sometimes; so I'm posting it all. Enjoy... or don't. Actually, I am quite convinced at this point that in a decade or two automatic web sniffers will come trolling through this page and have a field day with all the raw story ideas I've laid out: sort of how film makers seem to be fixated on Phillip K Dick's work these days. That, if nothing else, I suppose, would be a good reason to post it all. Hells Bells, for all I know, this be where Kevin Stillwater eventually gets all his inspiration from: stranger things have happened...
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Disclaimer: The contents of this site are Fiction. Any resemblance to anything herein and any actual person, place, or thing, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Like for instance myself. I do not, in point of fact, exist -- in any way, shape, or form external to my own imagination. But don't let that bother you. I've got plenty of friends in here to keep me company.
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