Celli the Happy Go-Lucky Celaphopod's
Dragon Bound Adventuring Series

. . . in their full and unedited glory . . .
. . . and therein lies the catch . . .

This is my life's work. I'm pretty lucky in that I have a life's work, I know what it is, and I've completed it at a young enough age that I can go on to have a second life's work if lightning and the muses shall be kind enough so as to strike twice. Not that I wrote any of this, but I did edit it, and sometimes it's just enough to recognize a bargain when you see it and pony up for that second malted milk.
Brett Paufler
The Ides of October, 2014
Happy Birthday, Leezard Edition
The bestest friends a boy ever had

I hope you enjoy

The Dr@g©n B©und Adventuring Series

formally known as

The Dragon Bound Quartet


or even just

That Stuff That Celaphopod Wrote

And what is a Celaphopod anyway?

There are four books in the series, five if you include the movie that hasn't been made; and each of these books in turn is comprised of four additional books, except for the fourth book, which isn't really a book at all, but more of a study guide that's as long as a book.
You can, of course, read them in order. But where's the adventure in that?

Book II
Minataur Tails

Without a doubt, the best of the lot, so most folks start here.

Seriously, if not the single best book I've ever read (because wouldn't that be a hard call), it's easily in the top three or four (or five if you include the movie that they never did make).

doc - Minataur Tails - Book I - Minataur Tails - pdf
Where it all began... or would have if this was the first book.

doc - Minataur Tails - Book 2 - Getting Dizzy - pdf
Dizzy Land, not just a place, but a state of mind.

doc - Minataur Tails - Book 3 - NazGhouls - pdf
Having nothing to do with JRrr Huff and Puff's Nasty Nasty Ghouls.

doc - Minataur Tails - Book 4 - Screaming Greenies - pdf
They Scream and they're Green. Seriously, I shouldn't have to explain this kind of stuff.

doc - Minataur Tails - Book 5 - The Appendix - pdf
Same low price, now with extra content.

Book I
The Dragon Bound Quartet


The Dr@g©n B©und Quartet




Ruby Firehaven


The Ruby Firehaven Adventuring Series Staring Ruby Firehaven as that Plucky Adventuresome Soul: Ruby Firehaven


Why don't we just call it Ruby


Or I Got a Better Idea! Why Don't We Just Use the Title I Told You To Use When I Hired You To Write the Stupid Thing? The Dragon, he may have asked, um, so inquisitively.


The Dragon Bound Quartet

A better name for an Adventuring Series about (not just any dragon) but The Dragon and which consists of roughly four books (depending upon how you count them, plus or minus a movie) that ever there was!!!

doc - The Dragon Bound Quartet - pdf
All in one handy volume, which is pretty much what one might expect from something that bills itself as a quartet. Welcome to the series.

An Exciting Excerpt
The Dragon Bound Quartet

     Grt had been biding his time. He was no fool. He knew he was outsized, perhaps even outmatched. Crazy Georges's skills in the kitchen were legendary. His mother had been a baker and had taught him all she knew. He could make a soufflé out of chocolate bars. He could make roast duck out of lamb chops. He wasn't just an award winning chef. He was a wizard, but most importantly, he was insane. Grt knew he had to play to his weakness. He waited until the positioning was ideal. He waited until George was off balance... and he was next to the refrigerator.
     Now was his chance! He dove at the refrigerator door and swung it wide. He grabbed the eggs and sneered. There were only three left. Let's see him make a pastry without eggs, Grt thought.
     The move had caught George by surprise. No eggs. It was a serious blow, but he knew a few recipes that did not call for the vile orbs.

Book IV
Crazy George Takes a Holiday

Book III might actually be better, but it's most decidely a bit more gruesome. Looking for fun loving adventure. Crazy George has you covered. Now, if you were looking for something resembling a plot...

You know how Shak-a-Spear and all the rest of the great masters have stopped writing classics and turned their quills to study guides. Well, Celli figured, why wait until he was dead. Writing a study guide has got to be a thousand times easier than writing a book, so here's his go at it.

Uneditied. In outline form. You get what you pay for.
And as long as we're being critical here, let's face it, it would have been shorter to write a book.

doc - Crazy George Takes a Holiday - 100 - The Introduction - pdf
In which it is explained how rather than writing a 100,000 word novel. Gad! Doesn't that seem long. Celli instead opted to write a 75,000 word study guide, leaving the novel to others. Perhaps that split personality in your head.

doc - Crazy George Takes a Holiday - 200 - Glossary - pdf
Words have meanings. Certain interpretations therewith being more interesting than others.

doc - Crazy George Takes a Holiday - 300 - Dream: The Water of Life - pdf
Many a novel has been based on less; many a study guide, lesser still.

doc - Crazy George Takes a Holiday - 400 - Themes & Motives - pdf
If enough sixth graders write reports on Crazy George Takes a Holiday and the best bits of each are stitched together into an Anthology, we at Dr@g©n B©und Publishing stand to make a fortune from the proceeds. That, my friends, is our motive$$$

doc - Crazy George Takes a Holiday - 500 - Rants - pdf
Sports, Religion, Politics, these are just a few of the things Mr Celli the Happy Go-Lucky Celaphopod seems to have an opinion on. Invite him over for dinner, sit next to him on the bus, wave from across a crowed hall, if you do, please be prepared for a stirring dissertation on, well, that's why we have books, now, isn't it. Read the blessed thing.

doc - Crazy George Takes a Holiday - 600 - Characters - pdf
You've heard of method acting, right? Well, this, here, is Character Writing: The Wave of the Future.

doc - Crazy George Takes a Holiday - 700 - Chapter Summaries - pdf
So, remember back when we were talking about making all those sixth graders write book reports and collecting their work into an anthology. Well, that would get a little choatic, unless, of course, there was a way to tie them all together. This would be that. Chapter outlines, so chalk full of information and colorful asides, the actual chapters will almost write themselves; at least, with the help of a few thousand sixth graders they will.

doc - Crazy George Takes a Holiday - 800 - Critical Essays - pdf
Does writing one of the aforementioned chapters seem like a bit much for a sixth grader? Well then, how about a critical essay comparing the economic ramifications of blah, de-blah, de-blah. Actually, I guess I couldn't care less about the rest of that sentence. Whatever, here are some topic headings from this chapter:
Karthrax vs. All Comers: The Cosmic Smack Down
CGTaH: The Magic Comes to Life
Sex Sells: Sex and CGTaH
You can rest assured that these subject headings were chosen completely at random and not in any effort to titilate as I am waaaay to lazy to do any more than cut and paste the first three that I came across. Perhaps not what one should say, but I am giving this away in large part because I simple cannot be bothered to publish it myself, look for an agent, or anything else. My sin by thine gain. It also goes by the name of Sloth.

doc - Crazy George Takes a Holiday - 900 - The End - pdf
And this is where is all ends... or would if they hadn't made that movie (hopeful thinking)... or I hadn't saved The K’fr Road: to Ve’kahn and Back Again for last.

The K’fr Road: to Ve’kahn and Back Again


The K'fr Road: to Ve'kahn and Back Again

But I've got to admit, I like that funky Æ thing.

all as written by

Celli the Grim and Gruesome Celaphopod

who may or may not have
High Faluting Literary Aspirations

This is last on the list. So, maybe I'm far enough down the page that I should give some back history. I, Brett Paufler, did not write any of this. Celli did. I was just lucky enough to share a malted milk (or two... or three... or four... not including the one that has yet to be made into a movie, but who's counting); after which, I'd 'secured' 'reproductive rights' (whatever either one of those phrases mean) to the Earthen Vortex, which sounds sort of generous considering the price (two or three... yada-yada... malted milks). But then, there was The Border the very real prospect of being arrested for Dream Smuggling, and so on and so forth.

Anyhow, long story short (if you think me capable), I didn't write this; Celli did. And when he wrote this, he must have been in a rather Grim and Gruesome mood. There be blood. There be guts. (Well, not really that much.) But certain aspects are certainly unsavory. And folks die. Like, lots of folks die. Lots of them. No, seriously, truck loads. They recreated the Ve'kahn with Cobalt extra's: for a stipulated sum to be paid at the end of the shoot; so, like, lots of them didn't make it to the end of the shoot, in a gratitious, let's get rid of the extras so we don't have to pay them, needlessly violent sort of way. And quite frankly, after translating it to the English, I'd sort of lost my stomach for the project and so didn't proofread it, reread, cross edit, and disenchant the blessed (or unblessed) thing (this last being a full and complete disclaimer, read at your own risk) as well as I perhaps should have.

¡¡¡So, like, don't start with this one!!!
¡¡¡Read it last!!!

As to a summary, wars are fought for many reasons, most often of which, to provide the plot for a good book. The K’fr Road: to Ve’kahn and Back Again is no exception.

doc - The K'fr Road - Book I - pdf
I don't feel like opening this tome myself (who knows what magicks might escape), so let's just say:

doc - The K'fr Road - Book II - pdf
Seriously, did I stutter when I said:

doc - The K'fr Road - Book III - pdf
Oh! But, hey! If you're looking for a highlight reel, this story is the first, last, and only time that Garg, Bruce Brilliant, and Targor share the printed page. Wow! Still,

doc - The K'fr Road - Book IV - pdf
Why should you
you may well ask. Well, let's just say Zay’ar’lyne spends all 100,000 words (150,000? 200,000? Seriously you can't expect me to count them all when Zay’ar’lyne is) walking around in a chain mail bikini the entire time, held only in place by the slightest of silk threads, which could come loose at any moment. And I do mean any, so if that doesn't happen on the first read through, maybe you missed it and should give the novel another go round.

doc - The K'fr Road - Book V - pdf
Have I not mentioned this? Folks die. Could be you? Could be someone you know? Maybe Celli should have just called this one
No One Gets Out of This Series Alive. Actually, just kidding. It's mostly the extra's that bite it: stinking unpaid Cobalt extras, littering the dark corners of the Ve'kahn vortex with their stinking, rotting, etc...

Also, just by-the-bye, if you'll remember (or shortly recall) there was a 'spare' vortex that figured prominently towards the end of Minataur Tails. Some say this is what became of it. And thus, why it's important for authors to tie up all those storybook loose ends.

Rigor Pass: The Map

Map of Mt Doom as assembled by Goblin Sages
Goblin Map of Mt D©©m

Ironically, Goblins never drew this. Celli did. He drank the malted milks in order and this was about halfway through the first (so, like, Celaphopods really cannot handle their malted milks); and he started slurring his words, not making a lot of sense, and decided, "It'll make a lot more sense if I just draw a map." This then would be that map, the route Ruby took on her ascent of Mt D©©m, before it was Mt D©©m, or even Mt Doom, and only Russell Pass.

And much like Celli, I will be more than happy to hand draw a replica of this very map...
¡¡¡Yes, this very map!!!
...for the price of a malted milk: hand churned, 72% cocoa, organic cane sugar, artisinal hops, fresh cream, and one of those cherries colored with red dye #Death. Man, I just love those cherries colored with red dye #Death. And despite anything I may have said about the Fourth Book, I just love this series. So much so, after reading the material on this page, you just might want to check out the rest of the links, who knows what I might have posted there. I mean, I know I should go back and look, but I'm not really one for editing. Don't ask me why Celli ever chose me for the job. Oh, right. Malted milks. I think he might have a problem...

Brett Words

Home Sweet Home

Minataur Tails
The reason this website was originally developed.

Minataur Tails Main Web Page
Minataur Tails Online Table of Contents
The Dragon Bound Quartet Main Splash Page
Crazy George Takes a Holiday (precious little here as of this posting)

Eddie Takosori's Webpage
Brett Paufler's Webpage

© Copyright 2014 Brett Paufler


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