Brett Rants

The Bishop Museum

Admission Sticker for Bishop Museum
I be the legitimate patron of the arts.

I once wrote a review panning
The Iolani Palace
because as a tourist destination,
I found it a bit wanting.

This review is to make up for that,
you know,
as a way of proving that I can be as positive as the next guy.

Thus, I very much enjoyed my time at the Bishop Museum.

+/- $30 (for two) at Iolane was NOT worth it.
+/- $100 (for two, including lunch at the cafe) at Bishop Museum,
on the other had, was worth every penny,
keeping in mind that neither actually cost me, personally, one red cent...
but that's another story.

Why the Bishop Museum Rocks

Volcano of Sorts
Da Volcano

The Bishop Museum Has a Fully Functional Volcano

And not one of those baking soda things like the kid down the street did for his Science Fair project in third grade. Seriously, those things make a mess, and you should be disqualified if a mop is required to clean up after your presentation. Whatever. Point is. The Bishop Museum has like a thirty foot tall version that boils and bubbles and everything. And if they had entered that thing in my Third Grade Science Fair, then they would have deserved to win.

Light Tunnel
Actual exhibit in life-like 3-D color.

The Bishop Museum Has a Black Lighted Tunnel of Psychedelic Cool-dom

Yeah, that's right, under the volcano, your own personal chill space, safe from the broiling heat of the afternoon sun, complete with glow worms, glitter bugs, and all the rest. I'm scared of the dark, so I didn't stay down there too long, but lots of critters (da good kine, I can only assume seeing as how I made it out of there alive) looked like they were calling the place home...

Me, Surfing, sort of
Crazy Haole
Dis my wave!

The Bishop Museum Has a Plenty of Dat Culture, Hawaiian Kine, Yeah!

Truthfully, I can be a bit cynical (no, really). And I've maybe had it about up to here with the Multi-Cultural Agenda. But the main museum is done right, low key, not in your face, and quite enjoyable. Three levels of staircases to race up and down (just don't let the teachers taking all those school children on field trips see you running about or they'll make you stand there while they go on about respect and politeness and sharing the common space). But, like, how can you not run around when there's like this giant whale, cut in half with its skeleton exposed, hanging from the ceiling, and I learned that the city of Hilo is named after the crescent moon, I guess, Hilo is the first place on the island to see the moon, or something, and stuff about basket weaving, and tapa, and surfing, and ocean navigation, and a cool astronomy film circular in the round thing... Oh, wait! I'm so excited, I'm getting ahead of myself, as that should be the next big heading...

Star Show Thingy
Star Tingy. What it called...

The Bishop Museum Has a Planetarium Star Show Thingie

You know the deal, walk around the museum proper, get your culture, till you can't stand it no more, then head off to the comfy seats in the Astro Dome (or whatever they call those star movie room thingies) for a bit of celestial education.

The Stone Tingy
Actual one-eye tingy, way too freaky to show.
Dis one have two eyes, not so bad.

The Bishop Museum Has da Glow Globe wit da Flashing Eye Thingy

OK! So, here's the deal! Right! It's like this globe, that they shine lights on, and it's like the Earth... or the Moon... or Jupiter... or like this giant disembodied blinking eye that stares at you (or maybe it's just me) as you walk around the room, trying to get away from the freaky thing. Seriously, stare at someone else for change, you disembodied, one-eyed, floating eye... thingy.

Shadow Work, Arrows
I give it the up-vote.

The Bishop Museum Has da Plate Lunch dat Bust da Mouth

Oh, golly-jeepers, gee-whiz, but we dropped a load of money on lunch at the in-museum cafe (whatever it might be called), buying a bit of everything, but, my, was it good... eh, OK. Not bad. It wasn't bad. I mean, I wouldn't go there just to eat and not visit the museum proper. It wasn't that good. But I wouldn't not eat there if I was going to the museum anyway (and we'll likely go for lunch again real soon). But whatever. The Kaulua Pig was good (and lots of it)... and the poke was fresh... and the salad came with lilikoi dressing. And seriously, I've had much worse on vacation... at museums... that were more crowded than this, where you had to fight for a seat. And the food was just good, not great, but, good, solid, like someone said, we really should do the Plate Lunch thing all authentic like; and so, they did, because, like, I wouldn't go to the museum just for the food, but as long as you're there, might as well eat lunch, sort of like that place down by the beach, yeah?

In short, I had a good time at the Bishop Museum.

Can we go back mom? Huh? Huh? Can we? Can we?

And you'll have a great time, too (unless you're some sort of spoiled brat or an idjit, but now that I think about it, you're reading my blog, so you're probably smarter than the average haole tourist scum, so you'll have a great time)... as will your kids, your sweetheart, and all the rest.

Have a great time!
Tell them Brett sent you!
Try not to get tossed out the door when you do.

Oh, eh. You wit dat haole? Dat like the funny-fun talk?
Yeah, we got the special exhibition, just for the you.

And then, you know, you can write that bit up, because I always go with Kimo and he tells me to 'Shut it or I shut it for you.' And Kimo's kind of big (large, I believe is the politically correct term, you know, as in, he's the reason why they started with the 4XXXL Aloha shirts in the first place), and so, to humor him, 'cause I'm basically a good guy, and a guy that size just sort of deserves an extra bit of respect, so I shut it when he's around, so I don't know about that special exhibit, but you're not me, so go, say what you want, have a good time, and let me know 'bout that special 'xhibit in case you put your foot in your mouth, like it seems, that I, so very the often, do.

Or, you know, take it all with a grain of salt. I'm in a good mood. Have I not mentioned how I just had a great day at the Bishop Museum? So, really, I'm just letting my fingers say whatever they want (hoping it comes out all fun-fun and nice-nice like). And what those fingers of mine really want to say is that I had such a great time today at the, ahem, Bishop Musuem that I felt like I owed it to the, ahem, Bishop Museum to sort of, just off the cuff mention what a swell time I had today at the, ahem, Bishop Museum, and how I'm looking forward to going back to the, yeah, that's right, you guessed it, the, ahem, Bishop Museum, sometime real-real soon.

Can we? Can we? Huh? Huh? Mom?

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$50: membership for a year.
Take a guest, which would be me!
Sure hope we go back soon!!!

I gonna get da cookies wit da lunch,
next time, for the sure.

© copyright 2015 Brett Paufler