Eddie Takosori’s
UFO Attractor’s Handbook
Practical Advice for an Impractical Hobby
WORDS DEFINED
ALIEN: anything strange and different that seemingly comes from another time or place (i.e. another world). For example: your mother in law is most likely an alien.
ANGELS: white winged, high energy, heavenly bodies who work under direction of a mysterious close-mouthed group of leaders known only as the Trinity. Sylphs are getting confused with these guys all the time.
ANGELS vs. ALIENS: some interpret historical accounts of angels as sightings of visitors from other worlds. I don’t know the truth of this, but if I wanted to make contact with white winged supernatural beings, I might try praying, talking to God, visiting church, and requesting the presence of Angels.
ASTRONOMY: is the study of what is in the heavens.
ASTROLOGY: is the study of what those heavenly bodies can tell us.
AURORA BOREALIS & AUSTRALIS (the northern & southern lights): are a natural phenomenon caused by ion storms in the upper atmosphere (the part called the ionosphere, go figure). Of course, it’s darn near impossible to differentiate between a naturally occurring ion storm (a pretty darn rare occurrence) and the back spray from an improperly shielded plasma drive (awfully common in these economically challenging times).
BENEVOLENCE: refers to how kind a thing is. Aliens who eat meat (Klk’lts among others), tend to have a low benevolence. Whereas Sylphs, who are repulsed by the smell of cooked meat, have a high benevolence.
BOOKS: are tools, not destinations.
BOOKS: are written to be sold and they are sold to make money. If you are still unclear as to what this means, look up the definition of money.
BOREDOM: is often a requirement to seeing aliens. Once you have allowed your life and mind to become empty of distractions, they are ready to be filled again with whatever you desire.
BRAGGING: it’s not bragging if it’s true. The same thing can be said of paranoia.
CIDC (the): is a super-secret government organization that investigates all things UFOish. It’s so secret, no one knows what the letters stand for.
(What does the C in CIDC stand for? If I told you, I’d have to kill you.)
(Come to think of it, I can’t remember what the C stands for, which is a good thing, because if I knew, I’d have to kill myself.)
COMMUNICATIONS: are a two way street, if you don’t want to receive a communiqué or the message it contains, don’t: opt out of junk mail, install a spam blocker, hang up on telemarketers, and don’t waste your time on movies or books which don’t please your sensibilities... and if that list includes this very book, I give you permission to stop reading. Remove unwanted communications from your life and retain your focus.
CONSTRICT: reality to a single goal and that single goal will become the whole of reality. When you get right down to it, explaining how to make anything manifest in reality is amazingly easy. The rest is merely humor and the self indulgence rambling of a madman.
CONVENTIONS: conferences, clubs, and online chat rooms are all good places to meet like minded individuals and share ideas.
DEFINITIONS: if two lines ain’t good enough, maybe this isn’t the book for you.
DREAMING: is what you do while asleep, while awake, and darn near 99.999% of the time. It’s about time you learned to control your dreams. The first step is to stay intent on your purpose.
DRUGS: I would definitely advocate against taking hallucinogens: who knows what you’d see? For the most part, I lump alcohol, tobacco, caffeine, and the harder stuff all into the same category. I’m not your mother -- or at least, I don’t remember the Hive ever getting a hold of me -- so do what you want, but in the long run, the mind works better alone.
ELEVATOR MUSIC: static noise designed to prevent Earthlings from achieving independent thought and therefore reaching their true potential... not to mention the stars.
ELVES: aren’t aliens or come from other worlds. They are human sized fairies that romp through the woods and come from Middle Earth. Some would much rather hook up with a hot elvin babe or talk to a wise old dragon, than visit the stars in a spaceship with a bunch of butt probing aliens. And if that is your goal, you might be best served by hanging out in the woods, going to renaissance fairs, becoming a regular at your local fairy festival, and immersing your mind in escapist fantasy literature (as apposed to say escapist UFO literature). Other than that, the two quests have an amazing amount of overlap.
ELVIS: I have pride and dignity. I will not stoop and mention Elvis and the ubiquitous rumors of his pan-galactic travels.
FIRE (and open flames): are to be avoided. Outside of the obvious terrestrial risks, you will needless alert aliens to your presence and identify yourself as an individual to be avoided. Aliens and fire don’t mix: much like cold beer and ammo.
FLUORIDE: don’t even get me started on the evils of fluoride. It’s rat poison. RAT POISON, I tell you! Of course, in small doses it’s supposed to strengthen your teeth, so who are you going to believe?
FREEDOM: is an illusion. We are all nothing more than well fed slaves spending the bulk of our lives so that we may afford to pay rent, taxes, and most amusingly the supplies we need for work (like clothes and a car). Consider for a moment that birds don’t pay rent and squirrels don’t wear special clothes to collect the nuts that they eat.
FULL MOON: is when the moon has that bloated, ate a little too much, look to it. This is the time of the month when you don’t pull the Man In The Moon’s finger. Or if you do, don’t say I didn’t warn you. When they say you can’t breathe in space, this is what they are talking about.
GAMES (computer and video): are more deadly than you could possibly image.
GARBAGE IN - GARBAGE OUT: UFO IN - UFO OUT.
GAUSS: is a technical term for the magnetic field or something like that, named after a Mr. Gauss... or his brother, I suppose. Me, I don’t understand the first thing about gauss lines, but that doesn’t matter. Neither does anyone else. In fact, the word gauss is almost exclusively used as a modifier in front of a weapon class. As in, “Don’t make any sudden moves Earthling. I have a gauss rifle and I’m not afraid to use it.”
GOALS: are accomplished by allowing them to become part of your reality. And if your goal is to change your reality, you must direct all power and purpose to this end -- whatever it might be.
HA-MMMM: is the sound an airplane makes as its engine switches over to hyper-drive in the dark of night.
HIGH GROUND: go for the high ground -- moral or otherwise.
HUMAN MIND (the): has a breaking point. If pushed hard enough, you can break on through to the other side or simply watch it crash and burn.
JOURNALING: the best advice that I can honestly give is to suggest that you write your own version of The UFO Attractors Handbook and then follow your own advice. (Surround yourself with yourself.)
LIMITING FACTOR: do not be the limiting factor in your own life. Let someone else be the voice of reason for a change. If NO needs to be said, let someone else say it.
MAPS (Multiple Alien Pinpointing Study): if you’re not finding UFOs in your back yard, get a map which covers your local area. Then study the map, and arrange to explore any likely spots.
METAPHYSICALLY SPEAKING: if you’ve never had a reality cop pull you over for reckless endangerment, maybe you should open it up a little and see what your mind can really do.
MONEY: is the primary method by which those who have it convince those who do not to do that which they would not otherwise do.
MONTEREY MISSILE TEST: is the most famous UFO sighting in history and no one knows about it. In the late 90s, early 2000’s (I forget exactly when), up and down the West Coast millions of Americans saw what looked to be a comet exploding in the sky. But it wasn’t a comet, it was a ship from Sirius IV on a diplomatic mission entering our airspace. Unfortunately, some overzealous xenophobe in ground control gave the order to blast that sucker out of the sky. And as is the way with these things, to suppress the truth about this SNAFU, the media was instructed to report the incident as a successful missile test... I suppose, because in a way it was: much like how a murder is a successful test of a handgun.
MX MISSILE PROGRAM: cost a lot of money. I’m not too sure about the exact number (and for obvious reasons, I’m not too big on facts), but I think it was something like $80-90-100 billion. Call it $80 billion, and for what? This big underground missile defense system that nobody (not even the Ruskies) ever saw. Talk about brilliant. I mean, Gee! Do you think anyone managed to pocket any of that money? Nah! Politicians ripping off the American taxpayer? It could never happen.
MYLAR: a reflective vapor barrier, which is just the thing to keep an amphibian alien cozy in space. No need to wonder who gifted us that particular technology (i.e. the Kibbers).
NASA: stands for No Alien Sightings Allowed. Assuming that NASA represents the United States’ true space program is sort of like assuming that a six year old dressing in a soldier’s costume for Halloween is a member of the United States Armed Forces.
NEW MOON: is when there is no moon in the sky, because it’s been taken down for cleaning. Happens about once every 28 days or so.
NO FEAR: is for people who don’t mind broken bones, having their spleen eaten, or waking up to an anal probe.
PEACE: be at peace with yourself and be at peace with others. Only you can achieve peace and only you can deny yourself this gift.
PHOBIAS (on): it’s odd. You see, I really-really don’t like flying in airplanes. But when I’m in a flying saucer, I’m never concerned with safety, crash landings, or anything. Go figure.
PLASMA: is gas so hot it has turned liquid again... and then there’s something about all the nucleuses sharing the electrons communally like some sort of commie experiment gone wrong. Needless to say, plasma is highly unstable and dangerous to get near. All the same, if you ever get the chance, grab yourself one of those plasma guns; after that, the Fourth of July will never be the same.
PROTEIN BARS: are made of people. ‘Nuff said.
PSYCHOSIS: the mental state required to break past the bonds of slavery, which tie one to reality, truth, and that hyper-limiting notion of what is.
RAINBOWS: I’m not going to claim these are caused by alien craft (excessive hydrogen oxide dumping in the lower atmosphere), but I am going to point out that color sprays -- prismatic and otherwise -- are associated with artifacts of Sylph origin,
REALITY: is where you hang your hat. The more you allow something to enter your life, the more it will take over your life and become your reality -- be it love, knowledge, or the pursuit of alien space craft.
RED LIGHT: does not interfere with a human’s night vision... and is invisible to Klk’lts
ROSWELL, NM: considered by many to be the Mecca of all things UFO related. You might want to book a vacation there today. Of course, I’ve never bothered to go there, but to each their own.
SEEING IS BELIEVING: but if you don’t believe, you can never see what is not there. Clearly, the real trick is to see without believing. Hence the need for a book on how to experience what is patently not possible.
SELF DELUSION: is a wonderful thing. Don’t underestimate it.
SILENCE: tell me what’s so bad about a moment of silence (while riding in an elevator, driving a car, or shopping in a store) in which to reflect and ponder?
SMILE: laugh for no reason; the reason will come eventually. Like they say, bake a cake and they will come. It’s that sort of thing.
SOLITUDE: means being alone. Most UFO sightings are solitary affairs. In my humble opinion, needless chatter and the spoken word are incongruent with any real chance of a sighting a UFO. Silence is golden.
STARS: those tiny pinpricks of light in the night sky are where aliens come from. Every once in a while a homesick alien will stare at the stars. If you want to meet them, it helps to go where the stargazing is good.
SUNRISE: if you see the moon at sunrise, it is waning -- getting smaller.
SUNSET: if you see the moon at sunset, it waxing -- growing larger.
{At sunset it survives. And at dawn it dies.}
TOWEL: for all the hype surrounding towels, I don’t see the point. Feel free to leave this piece of gear at home.
TRACE: refers to how detectable something is. Smoke, strong smells, bright lights, and hot objects all have a high trace and are easily detectable by both humans and aliens. If you don’t want to be noticed, having a low trace is a good thing.
TRUTH: is a relative construct. If you desire something to be true, there is no advantage in believing it to be false.
UFOs: are often defined as an unidentified flying objects, but that’s a cop out. When I refer to a UFO, I am referring to an interstellar vehicle piloted by some {little, big, midsize}, {green, blue, pink, or orange}, {male, female, asexual, or trisexual}, {humanoid, bug, or android}. You know, just so we’re all clear on that point.
UFO-ology: immersing yourself in the study of UFOs and surrounding yourself with relevant sensations (sights, sounds, and smells) will help guide you towards your destination.
VACUUM: something that nature abhors. Want to change your life? First create a void -- an empty space in your life. And then, very carefully control what you allow back in to fill it. This is the magical secret of alchemical success.
VACCINES: as we learn more and more about genetics, it becomes more and more apparent how divergent an organism can become if you ad a stray bit of DNA... or prevent a naturally occurring sequence from activating. This is the mechanism by which a queen bee keeps all of her worker bees in line. {It’s also how you gift monkeys with intelligence, so that bus swings both ways, whatever ‘that bus swings both ways’ is supposed to mean.}
VISUALIZATION: the next best thing to being there.
WANING: the moon as it grows smaller -- from full to crescent to new. If you can see the moon at dawn, it is waning. At dawn it dies.
WATER: drink Plenty of liquids. Stay Hydrated. Ten out of ten doctors agree on this, so there must be a reason. Don’t ask me what it is. Maybe all the doctors have sold out to the aliens. I mean you got to keep in mind, those doctors are the same bunch who recommended flossing, exercise, eating a low calorie diet, and smoking Camel brand cigarettes -- well, at least nine out of ten doctors recommended the cigarettes.
WAXING: the moon as it grows larger -- from new to crescent to full. If you can see the moon at sunset, it is waxing. At sunset it survives.
WHEEZER: any alien which requires an external breathing apparatus. On Sirius XIV, humans are wheezers.
ZODIAC (derived from an aberration of Zoë and codex): is the modern name given to Zolli Astor’s Star Census of 1482BC. The book splits the sky into twelve quadrants and lists every star therein. But as a list of stars is boring to say the least, most folks never get past the chapter headings, which not too uncoincidentally focused on what eventually became the constellations of the Zodiac. Obviously, this is all very Earth-Centric. If you want a more worldly view of the stars, please see the entry for CONSTELLATIONS.
Aries (The Ram: built Ram tough!): control freaks if you ask me -- the little dictators.
Taurus (The Bull: as in, I don’t believe you): some folks think this is where Minataurs come from, but they are far more mechanical minded these days, and were the first to put track wheels on a robot.
Gemini (The Twins: Hubba! Hubba! Care to join me for a bubble bath?): I think it was the name of a US space program as well, but don’t quote me on that.
Cancer (The Crab: cute little buggers): probably the best sign in the entire zodiac. Cancer’s are compatible with cute girls of any sign.
Leo (The Lion: purrs like a kitten, but what about those claws): that be my uncle’s name, so for me it brings to mind balding, overweight, and halitosis -- individual results may vary.
Virgo (The Virgin: but don’t you believe it): I guess the obvious line here is ‘Thanks for nothing.’
Libra (The Scales: always with the judging): I’m a cancer with a Libra rising. I haven’t got the slightest idea what that means, but when a cute girl tells you something like that upon seeing you for the first time, you tend to believe it... or at least, you I tend to say that I believe it.
Scorpio (The Scorpion: dances like a butterfly and stings like a bee): OK. So back in the 80s, the cool show to watch was General Hospital, and on it was this character named Scorpio. From there, you just have to pick it up in syndication. They do syndicate soap operas, don’t they. Sagittarius (The Archer: that was just practice): just call me Aragon.
Capricorn (The Goat: bahhh!): I’ve had girls call me a goat before. I don’t think it was supposed to be a compliment.
Aquarius (Water: give me a drink, will ya): is this lame or what? You know the ancient priest who came up with this one got fired. “Water? What kind of crap is that? You’re out of here!”
Pisces (Two Fish: as in, “Two? No, go fish!”): personally I like to go with the play on word with this one and rename it Pieces -- as in, Pieces of Eight. I think that’s closer to its original meaning.
CONSTELLATIONS: are artificial groupings of stars that have been lumped together because someone felt like it; they look like they should go together; there aren’t any other stars in the area; and/or because taken as a whole they form a Federation, Confederacy, or Intergalactic Union.
Orion: some think this area of the Galaxy is where Earthlings originated. Oddly, Orinions don’t look anything at all like monkeys or chimpanzees -- really, they look more or less exactly like human beings -- so you know there’s no truth to this particular rumor.
Big Dipper: not the most respected Confederacy in the Galaxy, but it is big. So I guess, sometimes size does matter.
Little Dipper: um, yeah. Like I said, size matters. No one takes this Confederacy seriously.
North Star: is a group of self-righteous bastards. They’d be a real danger if they weren’t ALL megalomaniacs, constantly getting in the way of each other, and ruining their chances for ruling the cosmos -- as it there God given right, I’ll have you know.
Southern Cross: psychotic religious nuts. Stay away. Of course, I mean that in the nicest, sincerest, most respectful way possible.
Great Square: a.k.a. Nerds Are Us. Need I say more?
ALIENS: anybody who is not like you. They are to be ridiculed and abused. Unless of course, they are bigger than you are... or are packing a hydro-cannon.
Not a complete list by any means -- and I reserve the right to make-up more on the spur of the moment -- but alien creatures, which I have actually encountered at one time or another, include:
Anthuriums: elephantine headed creatures which believe they rule the cosmos by altering the contents of the past, present, and future.
Celaphopods: squid like creatures which like snacking on a good brain. It’s rumored that they ruled the cosmos at one time, but you are what you eat; and their intelligence has sort of devolved and is not what it once had been.
Cheeps: monkey like creatures whose great-great-grandfathers must have escaped from a zoo and stolen a spaceship, because no one believes they could have developed a zipper much less a star-drive on their own.
Cyborgs: are half-man/half-robot aberrations, or half-Anthurium/half-robot aberrations, or half-Celaphopod/half-robot aberrations, or...
Klk’lts: are distant cousins to praying mantises, these giant-sized lug heads are happy to travel hundreds of millions of light-years on the off chance that there will be a spleen or two to be had when the journey is over.
Kibbers: knee-high froglike creatures, amazingly polite, and found of the finer things in life (art, poetry, cheese, and wine).
Metal Heads: brain dead robots fond of saying such things as, “Take me to your leader,” and, “Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!”
Rhid’orn: are probably a dying species. I’ve only met the one -- a rhinoceros looking bloke -- and he was traveling with a humanoid rather than one of his own kind.
Sylphs: melodiously voiced angelic creatures, who can best be described as sentient light.
Wire Heads: sort of like a cyborgs, except for without all the wires and surgery. Carry an electronic device around that you consult incessantly (a watch, PDA, phone, computer, etc.)? If so, you just might be a wire head.
Yr’goth: is a mutant Celaphopod who refuses to concede defeat to the Anthuriums. Rumor is he’s holed up at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean (or the beaches of Hawaii) awaiting his chance at vengeance.
DEFINITIONS/GLOSSARY -- STUFF TO ADD
{This presumably being the short list of items Eddie was going to include before he was ‘silenced’. Make of them what you will. Or better yet, start your own list. I’m sure that’s what he would have wanted.}
Meteors
Comets
Satellites
Stars,
Hurricane
Tornado
Lighting - Forked
Lightning - Balled
Artifacts (Drives, , velcro)
Space Programs Appollo, etc, NORAD, DEFCON
Equipment (watch, light, pen/paper, binoculars)
Proceedures
Nuclear Power Plants
Military Bases
Buildings with no windows
UFO Attractor Handbook 2nd Ed
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© 2008 Copyright Brett Paufler