Eddie Takosori’s

UFO Attractor’s Handbook

Practical Advice for an Impractical Hobby

Second Editions Glossary & A-Z List



Klk’lt battle cruiser -- organic

Sylph pleasure yacht -- high energy

Tyl’n research vessel? -- sort of a let down, like they stopped development during the age of steam.   Don’t ask me how they get those cast iron tubs into space to begin with.

Septumus IV - where the Flushers come from -- nasty bit of real estate, looks sort of like a holding tank for all the universe’s waste products, septic tank

Flushers -- make fantastic plumbers, steam fitters, and the like, if it has to do with pipes, they’re naturals.

Terrason Device (pen spring, is the works)

Van Gruit Drive -- long tube, see Transparency

Alteron Pleasure Skim -- young Alteron girls are know throughout the galaxy for their boisterous slumber parties that often last for decades at a time

Hyper-cons of Kinetic IV - bit of hypochondriacs, these guys

Tralcons - noted for their pulse bombs, which thankfully usually turn out to be duds.

Temporal Loop

Hearing Test: what they give everybody in 2nd grade to see if you can hear a pin drop on the other side of the universe, because if you can do that, you might be useful against the commies.

Tactical Retreat: running away with style and grace.

Betelgoose 12: a planet inhabited by talking geese, hence the name.   They make a good fau grau there

Hepticon V: a very hot place, apparently this is where all the hot chicks come from and go to after they visit earth, but most of us mere mortals can’t afford the landing tariff

Splerzarians: oddly, being a swamp world, the native residents of Calderdite are keen on emigrating to... well, anywhere.   They’re sort of smell, have bad hygiene, but they’re happy to have the work -- cabbies, janitors, creepy night watchmen -- and they work cheap, so you see them all over the place on your more backwards worlds (which yes, means Earth).
Vegans: originate from Viva Las Vegas in the Gamula Cluster -- -- known for their hypnotic mind control effects and tactful sense of good taste -- often become show girls, etc

Scholastic System: a university so large it takes up an entire solar system... oddly, it’s more noted for its wild partying than intellectual rigor

Van de Griut Drive: focuses the Ether through a mobius field lined with super conductive cables.   It also makes ice and will keep your beer cold.

Fractal Suit: like a cloak only better, get it?   Fine, it’s a disguise that works by confusing light

Probe: these come in all shapes and sizes to meet your individual needs and requirements...
Regs: what the Diplo Corp guys call regulations

Matter Transporter (ala Trek, Tardis): these phase matter in and shift it out, so really, they should be known as Phase/Shifters, but they’re no, so go figure

Peeling Back the Layers of Deception from A to Z


Airports: so if you had a “flying machine” where would you would most likely park it.

Books: usually written by aliens.   Hey, I know this one.

Cats: not from this world plain and simple.

Dogs: really are our best friends... and they’re pretty darn good at sniffing out Klck’lt and other bugs.

Eerie sounds: are a dead give away for some hi-tech device warming up in the neighborhood.
Flickering lights: unshielded guass drives cause this.   Look about for aliens and their craft.
G-men: the “G” doesn’t stand for government.

Hyper Kinetic Wavelength: sort of hard to describe, but you’ll know it when you see it.

Inter Galactic: were you want to be

Jupiter: not as fun to surf as it sounds.   The waves are simply too big.

Klck’lt: less said about these monstrosities the better.

Late Night Movies: your best bet at finding the truth.

Movies: are usually based on some famous alien, encounter, or incident.

National Geographic Article: rather than based on Earth, most are about some distant planet or provided as a sort of outreach measure to show some warring alien race why we humans are so much like them.

O-O-O: what she said.

Planets: there are over 64 trillion in Zeek’s Guide alone.   Why for Gra’gl’s sake you chose this one is beyond me.

Quazatronics: the most powerful corporation in the trans-dimensional space that we call the universe.

Rusty: this guy I met at Ed’s Burger Barn in the Flight Dip sector.   Hey Rusty!   How’s it hanging?

Spaz: how most humans act the first time they see a UFO.   Don’t let this be you.   Or, if you don’t like that entry, try:

Spleen: the only thing Klk’lts value.

Time: what you need to spend more of looking for UFOs.

UFO: don’t even start with me.

Vector: always remember what vector you are in.

Whistling: drives Klk’lts nuts while it is considered sexy by Anthleion babes.   Coincidence?   I think not.

Xenophobic: what most alien races are.

Y: Y-not?

Z: and that brings us back to doh, a deer, a female deer, ray a ya-da-da-da-da-da...

Second Edition Glossary


24/7: is all the CIDC has ever asked for.

1953: is year when Earth was first (officially anyhow) contacted by aliens.   This is why smart folks don’t trust any technology or invention introduced after this date (like digital watches and so forth).

Alien Anthropologist: Proffessor Zietgelt, the head of Galactic U’s anthropology department, thought it would be a fantastically wonderful idea to make every undergrad do a little field research.   And since every graduate TA worth their T&A recommends Earth as the subject for this project, most students go there.   Oddly, the only reason the graduate TAs recommend Earth is because their very own TAs recommended it when they were undergrads.   In fact, if you go back far enough, it is rumor that the only reason Prof Zietgelt decided to make field research a permanent part of the curriculum was because, back in the day, he himself had to do a little extra credit field work to avoid being kicked out of school.   And guess where his TA recommended he go?   {Um, so this explains all those ‘visitors’ if this wasn’t clear enough.}

Barbarosa: is one of the oldest planetary systems around -- full of “Blue Bloods.”   They put a lot of money into the Galactic Traded Equity Fund Index at the very beginning, so they’ve got gobs of money now.

Bug: is one of those words that has so many meanings that it has ceased to be of any use except to confuse the listener; and as such, it is your typical Diplo Dildo’s favorite word.   Example DD at work: “The bug was carrying a bug, so we tried to trace it, but the bug had introduced a bug into the system so we had to bug-out just to make sure we didn’t get a bug.” If you ask me, it’s all enough to drive one completely buggy.

Burk-17: better known as a “watchdog” is an invisible -- non-detectable -- surveillance device that the CIDC uses to keep track of troublesome civilians and rogue operatives.   Since it has no bark, one can only assume its bite is much-much worse.

Close Encounter of the Third Kind: implies there are at least three kinds of close encounters.   The first kind is seeing a UFO.   The second kind is seeing an alien.   The third kind is saying hello to the alien, shaking their hand, and quite possibly getting to play “Doctor” with them.

Close Encounter of the Kinky Alien Coed Kind: is similar to a Close Encounter of the Third Kind; but in this version, you get to be the “Doctor.”   It’s a subtle, but important, distinction -- especially whenever probes are involved.

Diplomatic Corps: are a bunch of prissy know-it-alls, who send glorious hardworking CIDC agents off on stupid ass missions.   If you ever hear anyone use the term “Dick Head” at a Sci Fi or UFO convention, rest assured they’re talking about a member of the Dip-Shit Core.
D’wardian Wave Mechanical Probability: truthfully, this is just another one of those phrases that I made up on the fly.   But trust me, if you ever find yourself cornered by the Reality Police and don’t want to get a ticket for breaking the rules of causality, it couldn’t hurt to start your explanation by saying, “According to D’wardian Wave Mechanical Probability,” and see where it goes from there.   Odds are whatever you say will be in accordance to at least one theory of DWM-Prob.

Exo-Biologist: truthfully, I’m not really sure what this one is, but it sounds pretty cool, doesn’t it.

Galatic Core: when you get to be the biggest baddest race in the universe (I’m talking about the Anthuriums here), you get to call your home planet, The Home Planet; your galaxy, The Galaxy; and your galactic core, The Galactic Core.   Oh, and you also don’t have to pay for parking; can ignore tariff regulations; in-flight carry-on baggage restrictions; and believe it or not, if you feel like taking home one of the locals home as a souvenir, pet, or personal love slave, no one can stop you.

Godless Heathen Russian Commies: hating Ivan isn’t just the right thing to do, it’s the patriotic thing to do.

Hercs: are McGuiver like aliens who can repair a star drive with nothing more than a rubber band and a toothpick.   As a bit of an aside, some folks think Herc is an aberration of hero, but since it’s actually short for Helcurian, this doesn’t seem very likely.   Besides, no one who has ever seen these fools in action would ever confuse them for heroes.

Jumping Into the Air: is a good habit to get into, because catching a ride on a traction beam is not as easy as it sounds,

Klk’lt: a giant race of praying mantises that hunger for spleens.

Lucid Dreams: the Diplomatic Corps like to “debunk” the UFO experience by claiming that most alien sighting are nothing more than dream experiences.   This is hogwash, of course.   I know when I’m dreaming and when I’m kissing a rebellious Anthurium whose father thinks this whole xenophile phase is just a passing fancy.

Mind Block: what the government has done to your brain so that you are completely incapable of understanding what a mind block is, much less believing in their existence.   You can thank the boys in Diplo for that bit of twisted logic.

Pencils: though much more dependable to write with, pencils don’t go clickity-click or stop working in the presence of UFOs, so they’re not nearly as useful.

Pension: if you work for the CIDC, this one is a myth, pure and simple.

Proboscis (Anthurium): a flayed multi-tentacled elephant like trunk, which reaches out forwards and backwards in time through the Ether.   Cross an Anthurium, and they’ll make it so your father’s, father’s, father was never born.

Sentient Stumble Bums: are a race of incredibly smelly extra-terrestrials who inhabit city parks from one side of the galaxy to the other and who run a sort of impromptu (and highly unreliable) interplanetary telepathy service; but even if the service isn’t so great, their rates are dirt cheap, so if you don’t really care if your message gets garbled on its way through or not (say because your sending an update to CIDC headquarters explaining why you haven’t yet completed your current assignment), Stumble Bums can often be the way to go.  

Stimple Fruits: are a favored food of the Sentient Stumble Bum and an item they don’t like parting with... when they’ll fess up to having any, that is.   Usually the Stumble Bums just pretend they don’t know what you’re talking about.

TAG: a dangerous game which will only end up breaking your heart and sending your best friend to the Diplomatic Corps.

Viral Clouds: are sentient viruses.   Human DNA is said to be one of this organisms great-great grandchildren and/or food stocks, depending upon who you ask.

UFO Attractor Handbook 2nd Ed

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Eddie Takosori’s
UFO Attractor’s Handbook
Practical Advice for an Impractical Hobby
© 2008 Copyright Brett Paufler