Brett Rants

Spider Webs of my Soul

A Little Spring Cleaning
Monstrous Mad Libs

these two pictures are from the left and right hinges on a pair of doors, likely from a church, but I cannot remember, a thing I say quite often, anyhow, they are the ideal images with which to start this post, doors to the Dungeon as they are different hinge, same pair, oversized hinge, connected to weathered red wood door, note the custom watermark I made for this post

My Master & The Great Forester

For The Record:

The Great Forester stopped by to talk about the entrance to the Dungeon earlier this week.

The Stone Masons are available for Monday, but there is issue about the Spiders & Cobwebs.

It is Sunday, so nothing is going to happen by Monday.

If you want me to take action, I need a lot more details on what is desired.

Your Humble Servant

The Great Forester

Does anything need to happen by Tuesday?

Will the Stone Masons work with the conditions as they are?


My Benevolent Master

I am still unclear.

I would be happy to eradicate the Spiders & Cobwebs as best I can for 10€ 5¢ per night.

Or I can call The Woodsman. But he will need addition information concerning scope of project.

Your Most Miserable Servant

A bit of spalling concrete walk, just cracks, large cracks, I find this sort of thing visually captivating

My Magnificent Master & The Great Forester

I trimmed back the Spiders & Cobwebs at the Dungeon Entrance and demo'd the Stone Wall that was leaning over the fountain in the outer cemetery, so as to minimize the possibility of any damage to a small family plot nearby. They all died in the plague, such a travesty the blight was cured. But things being what they were at the time, the Villagers only had time to erect these ever so delightful (and extremely delicate) slate tombstones that, having been overgrown with weeds and brush, were fairly hard to see... and would be easy to crush if the Stone Wall had been dismantled by the typical pack of illiterate workmen that the Village sends out.

I assume everyone is aware that we are talking about Giant Phase Spiders; and so, the Cobwebs have main lines, which are as thick as a Butcher's Wrist and rooted (more or less) at the diagonals, favouring attachment to any iron work (hoops, hooks, & hangings), as may be in the vicinity.

I don't have a plan in place for the remainder of the Spiders & Cobwebs, as of yet.

Your Most Loyal & Humble Servant

Dear Deputy Major

I am sending two Infernal Transmissions to Our Master shortly. In regards to:

1) Currently Brewing Potions
2) Dungeon Spiders & Cobwebs

I would be much obliged if you would remind him to spend a moment gazing into The Fire, tonight.


My Most Masterful Master

The Apothecary mentioned some potion you had instructed he brew. I don't know which one. By now, he has likely put the Cauldron on the back burner.

Please advise if a whipping is in order... or praise be, more drastic measures are to be prescribed.

Your Ever Faithful Servant

Glorious Master

I will call The Woodsman and ask him to remove the Spiders & Cobwebs from the Dungeon Entrance, with a rather minimal interpretation as to what this might mean. Since the Spiders & their Cobwebs are well established in the deeper depths of the Dungeon, they are sure to come back if only a cosmetic cleaning is undertaken at this time. If this is not your desire, please advise as to alternate plans.

Might I be sold bold as to recommend a Cleansing Fire?

Your Most Pathetic & Miserable Servant

Early Spring the End of Winter, looking up at an overcast sky, branches not quite budding out, a rather forlorn look to the tree, the branches in the sky

Revered Master

To be clear, there are piles of Cobwebs stacked by the entrance to the Dungeon at this point. Though, I did roast all the Spiders I could find. It is my intent to ask The Woodsman to remove this sticky mess (very hard to get off your clothes and from between your teeth) and clean up the entrance a little. If OK with the Stonemasons, Cobwebs present in any Cracks & Crannies will remain.

Which means, any action concerning the remaining Spiders (& Cobwebs) deeper in the Dungeon will wait until your return.

Your Most Miserable Servant

Magnificent Master

I blew The Woodsman's Horn, this evening, calling him forth.

As such, he or one of his minions may come around to talk about the scope of work, hopefully tonight, with the actual work expected to start on Thursday.

Clarification on what you want done would be greatly appreciated.

Your Ever Faithful Servant

Oh Masterful One

I will follow The Woodsman's lead and have him remove what he can.

If he wants to go after ingrown Cobwebs or any of the Spiders further in, I will let him.

Your Most Miserable Servant

Most Magnificent Master

I have no expectation of anything happening until Thursday regarding either the Spiders or their Cobwebs.

I believe the Forester has delegated this project to the Village Gardener, but I have not been asked for a down payment (you know how those Village Gardener's are) nor have I received a work schedule, as of yet.

Your Honest & Humble Servant

I was at some zoo and took a few pictures, not as many as one might have thought, I think this was the only one that I kept, it is an image of a snake, a close up of the head, lying in dry leaves, probably a python, thicker than a mans arm, even this close to the head

Master of All

The new Stone Wall is going up today... regardless of any Pest Issues.

I will see what happens with The Woodsman this week before taking action... for Good or (hopefully) Bad.

The Webs are piled high. So, they will need to be removed, hauled off, or burned. And then, the Spiders will need to be eradicated. I sense that they know we are coming for them.

Forever, Your Most Humble Servant

Master of Masters

Has The Woodsman contracted himself out to be the Village Gardener? If so, most odd.

I talked to The Woodsman via The Fire once on Monday. But no representative of the Gardener's Guild came by to look at what needed doing like The Woodsman indicated. And my last Infernal Transmission has gone unanswered.

If nothing happens by the weekend, I will start doing myself.

We have a half dozen large barrels of oil laying about (left over from the Siege). And I feel a bonfire would be beneficial to my Spirits.

Your Ever Vigilant Servant

Most Malignant One

I am sick and tired of trying to contact The Woodsman. So if he doesn't return my latest transmission, I am not planning on initiating any more contact... to his Detriment & Doom, let the chips fall where they may. Of course, if he does make contact, I will forward any message.

In the meantime, I will keep the Spiders & Cobwebs away from the Dungeon Entrance. I do wonder why they congregate there. The thought has occurred that they are lying in wait for me.

I have not angered My Most Wonderful and Beloved of Masters, have I... or, no more than usual?

I have taken to throwing baskets of waded webbing into the backs of any passing wagons. So, one way or another, if the piles are not completely removed, they will be greatly diminished by your return.

Oh, by the by, I went to The Hate this very night. The screaming was sublime... or as they say, to die for.

Also, removing the older bodies from the crypt, per your instructions/permission. Stone Aged Stillborn with a Mango Chutney is on the menu for the 'morrow.

Your Most Gracious of Servants

green paint flaking away over black primer, revealing pitted steel base, it is a close up of some electrical service pole sort of thing, turned sideways

Masterful Master of Mastering Masters

If The Woodsman hadn't gone to the Faire (bit of a lush, that one, I hear), I am sure all of the Spiders & Cobwebs would have been taken care of by now. But he was away, celebrating (Partying his soul away, Praise be to ALL), so when the Villagers were at the Old Cemetery paying their weekly respects, they didn't bother to clean anything... and then, your statement about how you were thinking of replacing the villagers (one and all), does not inspire confidence in their aptitude, so maybe a bit of a Self Fulfilling Prophecy there. Whatever the case, I have been making notes on how removal of the Villagers (from this or any world) might be best accomplished, which I would be happy to share upon your return. I must admit, I favour a Good Old Fashioned Plague; but then, who knows what New Contrivances you, yourself, will bring with you upon your return.

Anyway, all said and done, I'd prefer taking care of the Spiders & Cobwebs, myself, at 10€ 5¢ per night. But given that, I see there being three options.

Note: I assume we are talking all of the Spiders & Cobwebs all the way down to the Darkest Depths and not just at the entrance.

1) I do it. I'll probably do a better job, as those Villagers suck (not even tasty, as far as I can tell from the new arrivals to the cemetery). But I'll likely leave the job unfinished to some degree, before my time has come.

2) I can tell The Woodsman to do it. He dropped by and indicated he thought it would take the Villagers two days... at standard rates, whatever that means. Likely 20-30€, I would guess. Pluses, they'll do a clean sweep and the project would likely be completed by the end of this week or early next week. Minuses, it will likely be a cosmetic surface job. To be honest, I do not believe the Villagers know The Fear... at the moment, as this sort of work should be included in the Weekly Observance.

3) Finally, The Woodsman proposed having an Elder Treant look into it and prepare an estimate, so we can just wait for that and go from there. But come on, it's underground work. How is a Treant going to help?

As your transmissions have been lacking in quality, simply pick a number (I do not see how I can make it any easier for you, My Most Beloved of Masters) and I can take it from there.

Also, if I have the scope of work wrong, please advise (removal of Spiders & Cobwebs from top to bottom).

Your Most Faithful & Loyal of Servants

Some nice lagoon in which the edge was overgrown with a seaweed sort of plan, in real life, the undersea plant flowed back and forth with the rippling waters, here, we have shades of green, as a child, it would have been fun to play in, as an adult, I have not the slightest desire

My Most Beloved & Cherished of Masters

An Elder Treant, who is The Woodsman's boss I presume, waltzed (or that is to say, crawled) through the Cemetery.

He shook his limbs about, as he creaked and groaned, indicating that the project would be (much-much-much) too large for Weekly Respects and it would have to be organized as a Special Levy.

Neither he, The Woodsman, or the Villagers, touched a thing. And as such, the Spiders (and their Cobwebs) are still in the way.

Your Increasingly Antsy but Still Loyal & Faithful Servant

He Who I Continue to Call Master

Per your instructions, I informed The Woodsman that no further action is required at the Dungeon; and that Master will 'Review the Situation' when he returns for the Harvest Festival.

To which The Woodsman replied, 'No problem-o. The Villagers can start carting away that Cobweb stuff, during Normal Offerings. And we'll talk when He gets back.'

So, I'll just make sure the Spiders & Cobwebs stay clear of the Dungeon Entrance and don't go wandering off into the Cemetery whenever the Villages are about and call it a night.

Your Most Gleefully Mournful of Servants

Most Honoured Mistress

I was surprised as anyone when, yet again, another Plague broke out in the village.

I received your instructions and will pack any newcomers with flowers and ice... as it is out with the old and in with the new.

Your Most Delighted & Faithful of Servants

Flames from a gas light effect, one of those ambient rolling flame effects, from the entrance to a restaurant, the flame behind double walled glass

Mistress of Destruction & Morbid Decay

There is nothing of importance to report.

I am making Cream of Mass Grave Soup for supper, tonight. While at the same time, I am getting into the habit of chewing on a tough old bone (leathery old buggers, those Villagers, they be) as a Midnight Snack.

I'll probably go out a'hunting before long, but for now, the stores are holding.

It is hot and humid. And the air is filled with the smoke from countless funeral pyres. I will continue to 'dissuade' the Villagers from burning their dead; and I think, a few more House Fires (or should that be Hovel Fires) should do the trick.

I enjoyed a brief excursion to Market, yesterday night, and will probably go again over the course of the Faire, bringing with me, my own particular blend of pestilence.

Your Enthusiastic & Zest Filled Servant


Things are as well as one can expect.

No Spiders nor Cobwebs were carted away by the Villagers this week, so I continue to toss the muck into passing carts and wagons.

We have no new neighbours, yet. Though, a band of advance scouts swept through pillaging. So, I am expecting an overhaul of the current political regime, within the fortnight.

A Malignant Toad has been keeping me company, as of late, and has found himself a nice comfortable spot on one of the grander headstones. He is amazed as I am at the quantity of corpses coming out of the Catacombs, as I make way for the new. He, also, says that, perhaps, I eat a tad too much.

Your Most Well Fed & Faithful of Servants

Mistress of Death & Destruction

The Catacombs are getting to be slim pickings: worn out Labourers and Old Maids mostly, at this point.

I made a meatloaf, last night.

I'm thinking you would be happier if I tossed the dregs (bones and such) into the Village Well. But in the end, that is up to you.

It's to the point where I will need to supplement with 'found meat'... if nothing else.

Your Tiresome Servant

These are those nice fluffy clouds on an otherwise sunny day, very nice, the sun trying hard to burn through, a soothing sort of image to me

Malevolent Mistress

The needs that need doing while you were away were not as I would have expected; but then, they never are.

I've been having fun going into the Village and then onto the Market on a near nightly basis, now. But tonight, having just walked around for two straight evenings, I mostly lazed among the weeds and headstones, while sipping Split Skull Soup.

The Villagers filled two full wagons with Cobwebs, last week. And on top of that, I threw on a bunch of refuse from the Catacombs. Even I could not identify some of it. It really is startling how old some of those bones are. And it is highly likely that those aged corpses have been the cause of at least one stomach ache. I most sincerely hope, the new Villagers make better fare.

It rained yesterday.

I have been called back to The Depths. So, I am an official short timer.

See you soon.

Your Soon to Be Only a Memory of Your Faithful of Servants

My Mistress

It really is astonishing how old some of the corpses are: ten thousand plus years in the Catacombs, two hundred plus years in the Crypt. And corpses that old can cause all sorts of problems if not eaten directly... as much as say fresh fruit or leafy green vegetables might cause in a healthy young human with a proper constitution.

Thus, another sweltering hot night lazing about, waiting for it all to end.

Maybe I'll lay down in the swamp in a bit and try to cool off.

Your Most Faithful Servant

Howdy Mistress

Long time, no see.

122€ 48¢ all told for my services.

Unless, of course, you would prefer being...

The Servant of My Own Needs & Desires

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