and only getting weirder
The LeeZard's Three
The best part of waking up is LeeZards in your cup.
Rules of the Game
So, um, is that clear?
- Something done for fun or effect: e.g. I wore something green every day for a few years, you know, because that's what the voices in my head (and/or the LeeZards in my cup) told me to do.
- Weird Habit
- Something done because that's the right way to do it, regardless of what others might think: e.g. I sleep with blankets drawn over my head, because if I can't see the 'witches', then they can't see me.
Not that this is an exhaustive list, but these are some of the ways I veer from the norm. Yeah, sure, wearing green, that was try-hard. But sleeping with one's head covered, come on, that's basic common sense... as I like to think, are the rest of these entries.
What is Australia doing under North America?
And why are Asia & Africa fading away?
I like being disconnected from the hive mind. The events of the day have no importance or meaning to me.
Now, suppose I was playing solitaire and I decided to stream my game to the world. Live! Well, that sounds stupid to me. That sounds inane to me. But much more importantly, that sounds like the ten o'clock news to me.
Maybe you view things differently. But to me, the 'News' consists of stocks, politics, and sports; and I value each of those about the same. Well, no, that's a lie. But as lies go, it's close enough to the truth.
Hence, I do not have any feeds. And none of the forums I peruse (and/or lurk therein) have anything to do with current events (in any meaningful sense of the term).
In other news, I read my email infrequently (often skipping days) and leave my phone (the one with service) off for days on end. So, you know, I like it when folks advise to resist the urge to check their social media updates, as it makes me feel superior. Besides, real men own the domains on which they manage their personal websites. And I will take your call just as soon as I'm done checking my current world rankings: 9,102,349th as of this writing. In short, I rule!
Day is done. Gone the sun.
Mourn the Money
I stare at receipts for far longer than the average bear. Money is important to me and I mourn it's passing however it is spent.
Or, if you'd like a more normalized explanation, in order to feel comfortable with a purchase and put the decision behind me, I require a few moments (or minutes or more) to come to peace with the terms and conditions, not to mention cost, of a purchase.
Often enough, someone (say an employee, cashier, waitress) will inquire as to whether anything is wrong. But no, usually nothing is. Of course, if I don't stare at that receipt for a while longer, I never will know, will I?
Or harassed by horses?
I could literally could feed the (un?)blessed beasts from the kitchen window.
Germs are everywhere. If there was one thing I learned in third grade, it was that girls have cooties... and at my school, at any rate, they (the girls) managed to infect an entire generation of boys in a single afternoon.
E-gads, talk about an infectious vector!
And since I don't know the details surrounding your third grade education, please forgive me if I do not wish to shake your hand (must sterilize self afterwards) and use a napkin to hold the salt shakers when eating out. Actually, come to think of it, I probably should just sterilize everything on the table, first thing, and call it a day... or a night of fine dining as the case may be.
Why did the Haole cross the road?
To get a better view of the funnel cloud!
Stop, Look, and Listen
I have a curiously hard time crossing the street. Clearly, motorized vehicles (as a class) are out to get me. And since they haven't been able to run me over yet, they have decided to send some of their two-wheeled and/or electrically driven brethren up onto the side-walk the better to run me down.
Anyway, back at the street corner, I've been known to stall out. Sometimes it's easier to walk a few feet back the way I came and have another go at it (and get a running start, as it were).
Of course, some brave souls (and/or oblivious fools) are content to wade straight into the oncoming traffic. And I let these courageous (and/or idiotic) mortals lead the way... and then quickly pass them by as I race to the other side, beating them to the safety of the curb.
I don't know about you, but these same very same drivers have run over my feet with their shopping carts one too many times at the grocery store. So, trust them? Not a chance.
Sloth? I thought you said moth...
Slothful in all Things
I would say that I've made a living out of being sloppy in thought, as huge parts of my writing revolve around the concept. But I'm lazy enough that I've never gotten around to monetizing my writing. So, like, when I say I'm a successful writer, what I mean is that I'm successful at writing, while I've not bothered to worry about that monetary successful part yet. But, yeah, I'll get around to it someday... maybe.
Anyhow, I'm just as lazy in all other aspects of my life. When I talk, I often stop thinking about half way through a sentence and grab whatever word seems like it might work next. I have no idea (a person would have to count, which means they would have to care) how many times I've given directions to some stranger telling them to go 'left', when they should have gone 'right'.
Ha, poor saps! Buy a map!
Which is to say, I am incredibly sloppy in my speech. So, really, it's not so much that I'm a pathological liar (I'm not, nor am I as careless as this entry might suggest about what I say, so parse that however you want, you straight talker, you); rather, I often need two or three goes at it, before I get the facts straight.
Folks like me are the reason for that whole Fifth Amendment thingy.
Or why I'm not an astronaut...
I suffer from motion sickness. Oddly, this may be linked to poor eyesight and/or early onset glaucoma (mere words, see above, sloppy in thought and all that). But no matter the cause, beyond driving me away from roller coasters and leisurely rides down mountain roads, whilst puking in the back seat (strange how I don't mind driving), it also keeps me out of certain movies, the types of movies that are filmed in Naus-O-rama™.
You know that documentary in-the-moment style where the camera is tracking wildly back and forth and it looks like the camera man (or woman) is on meth (and/or the high grade pharmaceutical of their choice)? Well, I call that style Naus-O-rama™, because, well, I get sick watching it. Often times, if it's an otherwise excellent production, the sickness creeps up on me. But hardly any movie, show, or documentary is worth the bother. I mean, I can close my eyes and only open them intermittently to 'suffer' through it. But, come on, there are millions of other movies out there (done right!), so just think for a moment about how great a movie would have to be for YOU to want to watch it if you got physically ill doing so. There just aren't that many.
I imagine other folks suffer from the same malady. And as such, have thought about rating movies accordingly... and while I'm at it, I might as well rate them on other scales as well, but what?
And that's as far as I've gotten on that project...
- Naus-O-ramic Index™
- see above
- Strategic Realism Factor™
- Are the Strategy & Tactics (legal advice, medical facts, etc.) based in reality or does it all appear to be the first thing a third grader came up with:
'Cooties, sir! You are suffering from Cooties. Quite common in your age group, I'm afraid, but the only cure is to
'You mean, I'm going to die!'
'It's more like being ostracised, sir. But in a word, yes.'
Good fences make for good neighbours.
I think that says it all.
You remember when Mr. Rogers came home, he'd sing that song, change out of his outside clothes, and put on his inside clothes, trading his jacket for a sweater and muddy shoes for slippers? Well, Mr. Rogers knew what he was about and was doing it right. The outside is a dirty, nasty place, full of vile (people) and vermin (a.k.a. a bit of redundancy there), so... it's best to wash one's hands and put on clean clothes whenst coming home. If you'd like, you can sing a little song whilst doing so:
I never wanted to share the world with you.
Get off my grass or I'll waste your
So won't you please, please won't you please
Stay the Fr!cking Fr@ck away from me.
Eh, needs a little work. And you can bet I'll get right on that. In the meantime, the door, young man, the door.
A breath of fresh air...
Fragrance Free for Me
It's odd (peculiar to me) how much money is spent on perfume. I would so much rather smell ground cinnamon, lavender, or ginger liberally dusted about a person than almost anything else.
Of course, this is just an idea. For all I know cinnamon is hell on skin and causes contact dermatitis. But then, finding this all out, isn't that what cute little bunny rabbits are for?
Baby Godzilla Monsters!
The world is a dangerous place!
I'm going back inside!!!
© copyright 2016 Brett Paufler