FILE: Travel Advice DATE: 2013-04-01 ARCHIVE: 2020-10-14 (c) Copyright Brett Paufler # # # # # # # # # # # # # # Projects such as this are very much their own class of artistic endeavour: take something real, amend, modify, [redact], and {add misleading commentary} until one is left with something similar to the original but completely different, having taken a turn into fantasy and the unreal: a statement which is not intended to belittle either Crazy George or Lane. But that doesn't change the fact they are fairly private people... well, in theory, at least, they are fairly private people. The truth is I haven't actually seen this side of either of them (the private, avoiding the spotlight side), like ever. But they have their rights just like everyone else. And one is a Crazy Wizard (guess which one) and the other hails from the Courts of Chaos (ditto). So, like, you do the math... which in case you never learned your arithmetic or are too lazy to grab pencil and paper and work it out for yourself comes out to something along the lines of [best to obscure] {because when dealing certain folk (i.e. crazed wizards and their lovely if patently crazier wives), one can never be too careful}. [Redactions] or [Things Best Left Unsaid] {Post Dated Comments} # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # [To Whom It May Concerned], Congratulations! You are married! {See, I can say this with a straight face.} Congratulations! You will soon be in [The Realms] staying with [Crazy George & Lane] and/or borrowing [Crazy George's Boat]. [Lane] is nice. [Lane] is generous. [Lane] would be a good contact to nurture. {Please Note: Little mention of Crazy George is made in this section, as he's simply not The Point Man... and will likely as not ask a week or so after you have left when you are expected to arrive.} I mean, [Lane] barely knows you and she’s letting you stay at her place and probably will let you borrow [Crazy George's Boat] {Once again, notice how George might not be getting a say in any of this.} I don’t think I would do that for [someone I knew only through [Lane]]. So, like I said, she’s a good contact to nurture and has a generous spirit {even if she hails from The Courts of Chaos and retains many a idiosyncrasy thereof}. Please Do Not Take Advantage of [Lane]. {I mean, not that one could, as she is four-armed (and therefore, four-warned). But this, also, means she doles out the kindness with both-both hands (yep, all four of them). And as most folks tend to return the favour with a mere two hands, this hardly ever settles the score... and she is all about settling the score, you know, if there is a score to settle, so don't let there be a score to settle... or it will be, let me assure you, it will be.} Enclosed you’ll find [Some Gold]. {Some might say not enough gold.} You have freewill, but if you want my advice, I would spend it ALL on [Lane] {and to a lesser extent Crazy George} as a way of saying thank you for her generosity in letting you stay with her {and/or using [Crazy George's Boat]}. I would buy [Lane] a bottle of Elven Wine. {She has a particular weakness for The Star Shine Varietals}. Maybe telling her this is what you want to do. Perhaps, asking her for suggestions as to [the specifics] if you’re in the dark {get it, it's a Chaos Lands Joke} in regards to such things as much as I am}. For the duration of my stay {not that I'm staying there}, I would make sure [the ice box and its equivalents] stay full of [tasty stuff], [healthy stuff], and [more tasty stuff]: [with a quick hint as to how to transform some of that aforementioned healthy stuff into tasty stuff]. {Sorry, but I will not be broadcasting the dietary preferences of a Leading Lady of Chaos. It seems rude... perhaps, unsavoury. Suffice to say, one may have a [personal interest] in keeping the larder stocked.} If I bought any food, I would (and do) avoid anything that [comes from The Goblin Lands]. [Lane] won’t eat or drink anything of [The Horde]. When she’s in town {which isn't often; and personally, I cannot blame her}, I buy Certified Elven if it’s available. I save the crap {i.e. Horde Food of all makes and varieties, including Human Food, you Hordling, you} for [private consumption on the sly]. [Lane] has a weakness for {ungodly (so, perhaps that's a plus, as well) expensive} Dwarven Holiday Hardtack {think cheese and pate aged so long in [The Holiday Cheer] (i.e. beer and/or whiskey) it's difficult to recognize (the near ooze) as food anymore, but don't let that fool you; it's real tasty, so feel free to join her at repast}. She, also, has a weakness for some [Human Junk Food], especially Chips. Sashimi {raw fish} is a good dish {it really is}, not too expensive {opinions vary}, though it’s hard to pick out {once again, it really is}, so ask [the guy, girl, or ghoul] behind the counter {for some advice} if [procuring] this delicacy falls on you. [Local Slang] means good. It’s a tasty fish. [Lane] likes it. Stay away from [more slang], as [Lane] won’t eat it. (Personally, I won’t eat any of the bottom feeders, so ask.) And really, if you go shopping for [Lane] or plan a meal, if they don’t have specifically {and I mean, exactly} what [Lane] suggested (agreed upon, said sounded nice, or whatever), rather than make a substitution, [contact] her {as whatever she said wasn't really an optional suggestion}. [Lane] is fantastically finicky. If it’s not exactly what she wants, she won’t eat it. And any effort at accommodation on your part will be wasted. I’ve wasted a lot of effort learning this. (So, if possible, learn from my mistakes.) But truthfully, I don’t think [Lane] is going to want too much cooking done {as Ritual Cleansing can get to be a pain}, so take her lead. [Charlie's] {a restaurant} is across the lake. It’s sort of like [a crap diner]. [Lane] likes their Fried Chicken & Eggs. {Everyone has a weakness. Also, it's sort of hard to take her elegant facade seriously at such times.} So, offer to buy her some for breakfast (perhaps going out and bringing it back if there’s [an enchantment under-way]). Or take the two of them {this being [Crazy George & Lane] in case you have forgotten your other theoretical host, even if [Lane] has gotten most of the attention thus far} out to dinner the night before {any of the precedingly hinted at [magical activities]} and she’ll take the leftovers home for breakfast {because working [magic] is hardwork and builds up an appetite}. [Lane] will want to pay {as she grew up in The Courts of Chaos and you really don't want to be owing those folks anything... ever... for any reason... meaning, never-ever-ever no matter the cause}. In fact, she’ll probably insist {because even she does not want to be owing [those people] anything... ever}. DO NOT LET [LANE] PAY {OR YOU WILL OWE HER --> BIG MISTAKE!!!}. If you have to, tell [Lane] I gave you a [stack of gold] or whatever to specifically prevent her from paying {which she will accept, as [Lane] thinks I owe her.] She’s silly this way. Let me repeat: DO NOT LET [LANE] PAY FOR [THIS], [THAT], or [THE OTHER THING]. I haven’t got the slightest idea where [This], [That], or [The Other Thing] is located. Please keep in mind that [Lane] is partial to meat. And you really do not want her to wake up with a sudden craving {you know, if you catch my drift}. [Monetary Logistics Redacted] If you bring nice clothes ([Court Grade Dress Attire], whatever that means -- Traditional, Military, or better), [Lane] will probably (but I don’t guarantee) take you on a foray to [The Courts] at least once. This is her show. This is her treat. So, let her pay for [EVERYTHING] {because the only thing worse than owing some folks a favour is them owing you one}. For the rest, I recommend paying for [EVERYTHING]. That’s what the [gold] is for. Bringing a gift of Flowers, Herbs, Minerals, and/or [Other Spell Components] might be nice. Of course, it may, also, be a waste if [Lane] has other things going or is busy else-where, else-when, or else-wise. Me, I’d ask her. Once again, [Lane] wants things a certain way, just so {which is not exactly what one might expect from a [Creature of Chaos], so maybe that's one of the reasons she left; but I wouldn't pry}. Find out what that {way} is. Read between the lines if she seems unable to tell you directly {taboos are a strange lot} or you get mixed messages {which I have found is often the way of [Polite Society]. Her basic instinct {ironically enough} will be to conform to your needs. Be aware of this. Make up for it by actively trying to conform to her needs {i.e. if something seems a bit off, you're probably the cause}. And finally, before you leave, clean up. {Chaos is not synonymous with untidy or unkempt.} Allocate [an appropriate amount of time] {perhaps, even more than this} before you leave to cleaning the place. {And if you borrow [The Boat], return it spotless or [Crazy George] will be writing a missive or two (with possible [attachments] {i.e. magical reminders of his annoyance}, which no one in their right mind would ever want to receive) detailing his ire.} Both [Crazy George & Lane] will notice if you leave a mess. [Take Care Of Things]. Seriously, [Take Care Of Things]. Must I make a list? Fine, take care of [This], [That], and [The Other Thing] {and everything else, as well}. Remember to leave a thank you note. {The Courts of Chaos are an {INSANELY} [Polite Place]. And [Death, Now] ("Oh, sorry. I thought the slight was intentional.") is the typical response. Though, [Lane] isn't like that... all the time.} And if you used [The Boat], leave enough [Manna] (or double the [gold] equivalent {one share for the [Manna], another share because you really should have restocked the [Manna] yourself}) to refill the tank and maybe get it washed {by [The Charlies] (different [Charlies]) at [The Dock]}. [Lane] is very nice. [Lane] is very kind. [Lane] is very generous. It might be wise to think of this trip as a test -- a test for her to see if she can trust you with her generosity. After all, she’s not planning on moving (nor is [Crazy George] planning on getting rid of [His Boat]) anytime soon and you might want to go back again someday. So, just saying. You got freewill. And now a little extra [gold]. Use it wisely. Love, The Great {& Mighty} Brett PS: It’s actually very questionable how much time [Lane] is going to want to spend with you. She has things to do. And you’re presumably going to want to do the Honeymoon, Tourist, Sightseeing thing. However, once again, I would recommend being as inclusive as possible, inviting [Lane] along {for protection if nothing else, whereas [Crazy George] is just going to do what he likes whether you invite him along or not, but it can't hurt to [BE POLITE]} and letting [Lane] make the final decision as to her involvement... or at least offsetting any definitive alone time/activity {on your part} with an invitation to [This], [That], and/or [The Other Thing]. Or then, if [Crazy George & Lane] are only going to be around at the edges of your visit (first night, last night, that sort of thing), taking them out for [A Drink At The Tavern] {aka [A Night On The Town]: don't worry, they'll work out the details if they are interested} might be a good idea, along with leaving a bottle of nice [Elven Starshine] and a thank you note {gads, do I really have to say how important a thank you note is} somewhere prominent when you leave {you know, so they see the [Wine] and the thank you note prior to seeing all the crap you done did wrong}, as that will go a long way towards keeping the relationship [Happily Open Ended]. # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # Not all of my friends are Demons & Devils. Some of them are Wizards and Ladies of Chaos. Wizards and Ladies of Chaos make for better friends. But I'd much rather have a Demon after my sorry @$$ than having [Crazy George], [Lane], or {[Gra'gl Forbid]} both of them setting their sights on me. Capiche?